This was probably my 32nd time trying to end my life… and again I failed… I can never seem to fully break the skin enough to do anything. :'( I just want to do because, no one needs me nor wants me around and I have no purpose nor reason to exist anyway…
I still have a few other ways to try before I officially give up on trying to end my life for good… so far I’ve tried, Hanging, burning, cutting, drowning, electrocution, running in rush hour traffic, and beating myself. And I have done all of these things multiple times… 🙁 And no one ever seems to care that I try to end my life in this ways… Should I keep going? or Should I stop?
all I know, is that I don’t think I can go on much longer…
15 comments
Well, you’re stubborn, that’s for sure.
How did all of those fail? What happened each time?
I’m not stubborn, I’m emotional and have events that cause me to break down and that’s what leads to my attempts. 🙁
Here’s the list of what happened each time but, how exactly they all failed… not even I can answer that one because, I don’t even fully know myself.
hanging, the rope was either too long or the place I’d tied the rope to wouldn’t hold and I’d fall.
Burning, the fire burnt out after burning my hair and would slightly burn my skin but the fire was caused by a lighter, so there wasn’t much flame the times I’d tried, which caused hardly no result.
Cutting, I don’t seem to be strong enough to break the skin or something is stopping me… I don’t know. 🙁
Electrocuting, for some odd reason… this one has always fascinated me, I’ve tried electrocuting myself more times than any of the others. but, it fascinated me because, I’d soak my hand and poke the electrical sockets and nothing would happen, not even a spark. and then as I got older I thought how about metal objects jabbing into it, well, the first time I tried that I accidentally blew up the outlet but didn’t even get a jolt of electricity into me!
The two times I tried to drown, I ended up learning how to swim and how to hold my breath longer.
Trying to get hit by a car by running in Rush Hour traffic, this is something I did when I was really young and rather stupid and smart at the same time, I figured that since vehicles are faster than me, I could run out into the road and get hit and die. Sadly(in my opinion) that didn’t work out, and instead, I’d either run too soon or too late… I wasn’t good at calculating the speed and trajectory of the vehicles, so when I’d run out in front of them(or rather try to) I’d miss them or they’d miss me.
And beating myself, I only seem to just waste my energy on smashing books, logs, and other objects against my head but, always resulting with it breaking or me not being able to keep at it… I even recall when I was little I’d try beating my head against a brick wall multiple times but, it had no result, besides a headache. >.<
You should stop. Saying this makes me hypocritical but I get deeply upset when someone talks about suicide. There is other options and there is people who care, such as myself.
Why would you care about someone you don’t know a whole lot about?
That alone is completely illogical sense…
I care. Please stop. I’ve experienced the darkest of days and pushing through is tough… You can do it.
Why stop? not like anyone would miss me anyhow. as I said before “I have no purpose nor reason to exist anyway…”
I was on the brink two years ago. In the aftermath, I’ve learned that sometimes the reason to exist comes from within. I’ve set some goals and I’m slowly working toward them. Set a goal… Establish a strategy… and go from there. If there is a setback, roll with it. Life can be difficult… but don’t give up.
Life has only always been difficult with me, with no breaks nor any remorse!
What I’ve learned? I’ve learned that the only means of escaping the pain of life is death.
Not true. If there is a difficulty or obstacle, re-strategize. Adjust course as needed. Consult with others. Google. Brainstorm. Whatever method you choose, you CAN get through it. Just be committed to yourself.
the difficulty is family, I can’t go into details about it though…
but, I’ve been hated by them for a really really long time.
My father never wanted a son, he wanted a punching bag.
My mother never wanted a son, she wanted a slave/servant.
My sister never wanted a brother, she would’ve preferred me never existing.
I grew up in a challenging environment… and that’s saying it nicely. I spent as much time as I could away from that setting… library, work, etc. … and making sure I studied hard so I got good grades so I could get into college and get outta there. It worked.
You will always have your family… but they won’t always have the impact they’re having now. People go to work, school, the military, overseas, invent stuff, etc. Why throw your future away?
If you’re unwanted, prove them wrong. Accomplish great things.
I’ve tried the military already… they denied me because, my father went insane when he was in the army…
I was planning on going into college but, it’s too pricey and I can’t afford it. I’ve tried getting a job but, no one will hire me in the town I’m stuck in.
I’ve tried writing but, I’ve only written 161 poems that don’t seem to be worth the time spent writing them… Everything I’ve ever tried or done has been completely pointless… I have no future. :'( And I have tried countless times to prove them wrong, I graduated with about a 3.6 grade point average. That was for nothing, same with the time spent trying to get a job, trying to get in the military, and trying to find a way out… There is no end to the pain! NONE!
invent things… it’s too costly because, you need like permits for it and other important papers to prove it’s yours and everything else… in the end, it’s more costly to come up with the invention than it is to not invent anything at all these days… unless you invent something that’ll revolutionize the world or change the way everyone lives these days…
Perhaps try the other service branches and see what their requirements/disqualifications are. Look at community colleges where the credit hours may be cheaper and transferable. Check out government backed student loans. Look online for LEGITIMATE work from home opportunities that might let you bank some savings. Keep in touch via social media with those you graduated with. They might get a lead directed your way. Set up a LinkedIn profile. Apply for any scholarship or grant you might have even a small chance of qualifying for.
There is a way… Brainstorm. I know it’s frustrating! But once you get the small break you’re looking for, things may turn around for you.
Two more possibilities:
Volunteer. It gets you out in the community and it’s a great way to network. The agency you volunteer for might even bring you on board.
Temp Agency: Even if it’s not steady work, similar setup. The company you wind up temping at might be impressed enough.
Just trying to think a bit…
Ghost9er, I actually ‘get’ what you’re trying to do. You see, whilst I agree with other comments posted and to me I wonder why someone else would want to take their life (and I’ve spent an incredible amount of time and energy trying stop others and try to make their lives better) but I ‘get it’. I know the feeling. It’s fucking dark and shit keeps happening and you wonder what the fuck is the point of it. What? Pick myself up so some other life event or cruel human comes along to totally trash whatever dream or whatever you tried so hard for!!! I could say don’t do it and maybe it’d be good if you didn’t, maybe something awesome may happen to you, but for me I ‘get it’ and know what it’s like to just want to go. I reckon one day (soon I hope) it’ll happen. For me some are blessed with good lives (or even average ones) but for some, like me, 53 years tells me in no uncertain terms that it ain’t worth it. So yeah I ‘get it’.