I’m a 15 year old female and I can’t do this anymore. I’ve destroyed everyone’s life. I’ve bullied others and I’ve done selfish and terrible things. I hate who I am. I don’t wish to live on this earth any longer. My family has been torn apart recently and I can’t take anymore of who I am or the twisted ness of where I came from. I’m going to kill myself. I feel like there is nothing left.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
10 comments
Who have you bullied? Most bullies don’t care about being selfish or what they do to others. It sounds like you have goodness and you do care. 15 is pretty young. You can still turn things around.
The difference between shitty people and good people isn’t that good people are so much better….the difference is good people feel bad about the shitty things they have done. Don’t do it. There are a thousand assholes out there that will put you down and would be happy to do it so no use helping them out. You have a future. I’m 22 and lost everything ive worked for half my life and wanted to kill myself since 6th grade. I get it. I have regrets too. You are a good person tho. Bad people don’t want to kill themselves over shitty things they have done. There certainly aren’t enough good people in the world. You can start over. You are still just a kid. If you want to talk i’m here for you. just reply in the comments and ill talk you through it.
It’s hard to feel guilt or shame or regret about actions you’ve made in the past, but there are some important reasons it actually is good to know you do have a conscience guiding you. One reason is that it means you *can* change your behaviour, because that behaviour was not in line with your inner value system– who you truly are, what you truly believe in. If it was, you wouldn’t feel bad at all. Another reason is that emotional intelligence is extremely underrated. As long as we have a good understanding of the situation at hand, our emotions are the source of our deepest wisdom. Negative feelings warn you you’re off course. Positive feelings say you’re on the right track. (Again, this is only definitely true if you have a decent grasp of the situation, but the more life experience you gain, the more you’re likely to see the bigger picture.) Being as young as you are, you have so much potential to learn from your actions and grow into the person you’re truly meant to be. Please do yourself and the world a favour and learn and grow from these things you have done. If it doesn’t hurt too much to think about (maybe further time and distance will help), think about what led you to behave counter to your values (like some form of insecurity perhaps– something everyone has but deals with differently). Think about how you would like to deal with it in the future instead. (A therapist can be a huge help with this kind of thing. They’re good at helping you get to the bottom of what you were thinking/feeling during past events.) It might also help to try to do something to counter whatever harm you might have caused in the past. Like john said, there aren’t enough *self aware* good people in the world. Please don’t rob yourself (and us) of your chance to bring more good into this world. Even if we don’t know your name, or what you look like, or how you lived, your potential to do good things will be missed.
“I’ve destroyed everyone’s life. I’ve bullied others and I’ve done selfish and terrible things.”
Stop doing these things, and make amends to the best of your ability. Talk to a counselor or even a family doctor about what’s going on in your family and how sad it makes you, and let them help.
You do have *some* control over your life right now, even at 15, and there are steps you can take to improve things. You owe it to yourself to focus on the things you CAN control and change them, and see where you end up.
When I was young > in elementary school my dad bullied me and the rest of my family and I was physically abused and emotionally abused and otherwise. And my Dad taught me that being mean to people is the way to live. He was a bad parent, but I had no choice in choosing that kind of upbringing.
But I did go to school and bully some kids and When I later “grew up” I felt horrible about it. But I was young and just didn’t know better I was taught that at home and a child only knows what he or she has been taught. So later on in life I left my family because of the way they were and I learnt how to get along with people and be kind. and when you do that. You can be Forgiven.
and you can change also.
Everybody has done something they are not proud of. Especially when we are young and don’t know better. But you are admitting you did wrong. That is a big step. That means you have grown up and learnt what you did was wrong and now you want to change.
So say a prayer and Ask God to forgive you and then you need to forgive yourself.
and if you ever run into any of the people you bullied tell them that you are sorry if you have the chance.
Your young, and you can change and get past this. Its not the end of your life. You were young and didn’t know better. Now you have a chance to change and be good to people and move on from this and have a productive life
ItsNotOkay9,
The above commenters are right – bad people do not care about who they have hurt. You obviously feel guilty about the wrong you have done, so it is very fixable. Your family situation is unfortunate and much of that may be out of your control, but you are definitely in control of your own life and how you proceed from here. Offer apologies to those you have wronged. People can often be forgiving. Good luck.
L4Y
(L4Y@cogeco.ca)
Just a small nitpick — “bad” people (however we might be defining them) can and sometimes do feel some remorse for those they’ve hurt. Abusive spouses, for example, often have bouts of guilt and self-loathing. In the moment, their apologies are sincere. But changing their behavior over the long term requires commitment and effort, and when the moment has passed, they go back to business as usual.
They’ll feel bad about it, sure, just not bad enough to stop.
itsnotok9, recognizing that you do harm to others is just the first step. The next step is to commit to changing, and doing whatever it takes to follow through on that.
While it’s true some pattern abusers apologize, I have trouble believing they mean it. Anyway what matters here is that you have a point. Much though we might like to kid ourselves we can tell the difference, it’s irrelevant whether the apology is fake or not. The prudent thing is to put as much “distance” (both figuratively and literally) between you and that person as you safely and reasonably can.
That said, I am willing to give kids and young adults a bit more leeway than I would to an adult. Their brains are still developing, and their futures are far less likely to be written in stone.
I don’t think there are bad people, just people who make bad decisions and are too stubborn to hit the breaks, and damn the consequences. When you can admit you have faults, and you are even somewhat aware of them in your every day life, you can learn to work around them, or to change your behavior. Nobody’s ever perfect, but anyone can learn to be better than they were yesterday.
I don’t believe in the literal sense in “bad people” either, but I do believe in there being people who can’t help but behave badly toward others, whether due to their brain chemistry, upbringing, or both. There is a pattern of lack of empathy in abusers. Sometimes that failure of empathy can be brought on by stressors in the abuser’s life, in which case obviously they should resolve those stressors rather than taking it out on the victim. Such persons might conceivably “mean” an apology and make actual change. But the very same people can also just keep on keeping on, rendering themselves virtually indistinguishable from a genuinely personality disordered individual who due to genetics &/or environment cannot help but victimize others. In the end such individuals are still experiencing the combination of lack of self awareness and failure of empathy that causes the problem in the first place.