I have read a lot of posts from here over the years, particularly when I Google something random and crazy about death or killing myself lol. I decided to make an account earlier when I read some posts about donating organs after suicide. I have been in love with death for many years now. I think I romanticize the thought in my head too much sometimes. I am of peaceful and sound mind. I would never hurt anyone so I assure those reading this that no one (except maybe my own self..) is in any physical danger on my behalf.
I am going to be 23 years old December 31st. I have come to the conclusion after years of consideration that I no longer want to live this life. I know that I will take my own life, how and when I do not know. I have seen and learned enough of this world to know that I don’t care to see or learn any more. I will never produce something or give this world anything I feel is of true importance or value and I do not think fondly of the idea of living an average life full of pain and misery and solitude. Therefore I feel I should just end this being.
I was an accident to begin with, my dad wasn’t supposed to be capable of having children due to complications he had as a child with his kidneys. When I was born it was a disaster. Long story short my mother and I died twice each but are still here. I ended up having a leg disease where the ball of my femur crumbled and regrew and is brittle now and will crumble ultimately needing a replacement surgery sometime within the next few years.
I have terrible teeth, they are all falling out due to lack of care..in the beginning I wasn’t made to brush my teeth then when I was old enough to be responsible enough I didn’t because I didn’t care (and I think a calcium deficiency I am sure I developed from being laid to sleep with a bottle of tea doesn’t help the matter…)
I was never really a popular kid in school, more the shunned outcast fat nerd whose only friends were there so they could benefit from his knowledge. We ended up moving during my freshman year of highschool right around this time in 2006, which in retrospect I don’t know whether was a “blessing” or a curse, as this life I have now is full of understanding and truth but it is quite miserable in it’s realization.. I fell into this pit of despair soon after. It was hard making new friends, going from the north east to middle south, from concrete and civilization to a 20 minute drive to a main road and a heavy southern tradition. I made friends with some of the people here but none lasted the test of time. I still talk to a few but the friendship is shallow and primarily based on something I am not too sure I should mention here but if you are reading this then I am sure you could put a moment of thought and realize what I am talking about.
I am reclusive as I don’t care to talk about things that have no meaning, and lately nothing really does, not to me anyway. I feel I have no purpose. I feel no one does. It is in yourself whether you want to change the world or create something new but there is no predestined fate. The problem the world has and is going to always have is the intelligent people, (and I don’t mean intelligent as ‘how good you score on a test’ so much as I do ‘comprehension of the bigger picture’) like myself, too often are left unheard. As in my case, I simply don’t have the will to try any longer. I could probably change the world…but the amount of time and energy needed to do so just sounds so…unappealing.
I am just done. All I want to do anymore is lay in bed all day. I was thinking earlier of ways I could donate my body to science to at least in some way be truly useful to someone maybe somewhere… (so any knowledge on that would be appreciated) That is all I could think to make my existence in the end of true worth.
My eyes and brain see and understand the truth and are not blinded by media and religion and society or whatever it is you tell yourself is so important that you have to wake up tomorrow morning at 6 am sharp. And for those of you that are I truly both pity and envy you more than you could imagine. I envy your naivety that enables you to live a life full of happiness and joy and ignorance, but I am sorry that you are so blind as to believe that you are of any significance. If you have not contributed something of true worth to the advancement of humanity as a whole then you are just another checker in the chess player’s box of spare pieces in his closet. And the funny thing on top of it all is that humanity as a whole is everything we are and only a spec of dust in the face of the vast universe that is all around us.
Simply put I think it would just be easier not to be alive. Some live because they are afraid to die. Some die because they are afraid to live. I did not ask for this gift and it is the responsibility philosophical duty of the thinking man to evaluate the consequences of such an unsought gift. Imagine I showed up on your doorstep with a baby monkey and claimed it as a present. It would be awesome at first…but then you realize you need permits and food and incredible time dedication and they are messy and they need vet visits and all this requires so much money and time and energy. Well I really don’t want this gift anymore. I took the monkey. I tried. And I appreciate the thought and effort from everyone but you can take it back now. Now I realize that metaphorically you can not give life back as you would simply return a gift, that is where I was thinking about the organ donations and donating my body to science or something..
And I am tired of hearing that suicide is selfish. There is nothing in this world that I have more a unassailable title than my own life and person. To keep living as it postpones the inevitable grief I am sure my parents and family would feel is the least selfless thing I think I can do, at least until I can figure out how to explain my decision. I am just a walking talking expense that I do not want to pay for and I feel my parents should no longer have to pay for. Sure I could stick around until the next cool thing (not that I could afford it anyway..) comes out…jetpacks…or hoverboards…or bionic upgrades…or gene splicing…or I can find a way to just go to sleep. And do nothing. And be nothing. No worries. No fears. No thoughts. No pain. Oh how serene it must be to just not be…
4 comments
everything you said…it was like you could read my mind. it was so beautifully written and it just so accurately describes what i also feel. all i did while reading was to keep nodding in agreement and saying “precisely!”. i could relate to what you said about being an accident. i am an unplanned progeny myself. my parents continually do their best to help me and i know that i owe them my life and that’s why i’m ashamed of being unemployed. i also feel like a walking, talking expense. but then, i think i did not ask to be here…the monkey analogy was brilliant.
and i definitely feel the same regarding wanting to and thinking that i change the world. that you can do something, but then you think of what you have to do, all the effort you have to put in without the guarantee of succeeding and so you just give up before you even try, because all that will not be worth anything in the end.
to escape reality and just lay around all day seems to be the better decision, to make the most of it by being as comfortable as possible, not having to beat yourself up everyday over your responsibilities or work yourself to the bone, not worrying about anything at all. but of course, you can’t live that way. that’s why you contemplate ending it. it’s all a waste.
i also completely agree with what you said about being “intelligent”, which i took to mean as being aware about the insignificance of man, of life. why do anything at all, why care about anything? we are all but a tiny spec in the grander scheme of things. our struggles ultimately don’t matter in the bigger picture. all of it will be lost in the vastness and infinity of space and time…..
and finally, i always think about hanging around because i want to see what the future holds. the technologies that that can maybe make this life worth living. i think of all the possibilities and it excites me. i particularly like the idea of completely immersive gameplay or maybe a “happy” drug similar to soma from A Brave New World…and transhumanism. it’s all closer than we think, there are prosthetic limbs being developed that can send sensory signals to and from the brain so that the patient/client can actually receive tactile feedback and move the limb accordingly, the digitizing of the human brain is being worked/researched upon etc…but then i realize if these technologies do become available, i won’t be able to afford it…
anyway, i apologize for the too long comment. your post touched me so deeply that i felt this overwhelming need for you to know that i do feel so much the same. thank you for writing this, takingbackmyusedromance. good luck to us…
*speck
I really appreciate your comment 🙂 I was worried no one would and forgot to check it later. I am both comforted and saddened by the amount of people I am finding feel just like I do, like we do. I wish we could make the world a better place. We need those that see what’s really happening around us, those not blinded by media and materialistic possessions and popularity and wealth and greed and society to change things. But if you see what’s really happening…you just don’t care. I can see all these things wrong with us as a whole, as the human race, and can see so many different ways we could ensure that we only progress into the future smarter and better…but I don’t give a fuck. I don’t care if 100 years from now the planet falls out of orbit and crashes into the sun. I won’t be here to see it. And it is almost a shame. No way in hell would I knowingly, willingly, intentionally bring a child into this world knowing that it is my responsibility to raise it and teach it to be good and to succeed in a filthy, back-stabbing, merciless world. And it could be my different chromosome or random DNA pattern or chemical imbalance or whatever the hell makes me think the way I do that could change the future for human kind by having children and passing it along. I always thought that having a child would give me purpose to live. How different my life would be right now, could have been, if I had a kid, something to live for, to get up for every day and work to provide for. My ex-girlfriend got pregnant a few years ago. I was fresh out of highschool working for minimum wage, she was going to college. We decided to have an abortion. We said it was for the better, that we were in no way shape or form ready or able to take care of a child. Looking back I am not sure it was. It would have been terribly hard and stressful but I would have a reason to get out of bed, to want to live. I do not care what happens to me, or the world around me. If I could go to sleep tonight and never wake up..I would be perfectly content dreaming an endless dream. For you though I hope that you find peace. Wherever, however. For that is all that we can have. All that seems to really matter in the end. And thanks again for sharing 🙂
greetings, PHILOSOPHERS UNITE!!! yea, you gotta another one out their. ditto to evreything written. i too lost a child to abortion. i was given no say in the matter. however, i did raise two. even with all the work and responsability, that feeling does not go away. it may be dormant and not bothersome, but its their. i wish you peace brother