Generally my feelings of wanting to be dead are not linked to any kind of self-loathing at all, that’s how it was for years at least. Basically I just didn’t want to be here anymore. Once I turned 20 that changed though.
I was forced to drop out of college. One of the classes I was taking was self-paced (no problem) but the book answers were wrong when it came to test time. I pointed this out to the teacher who argued “you’re doing the lessons too fast it should take you two weeks to do a chapter.” to which I retorted “I took self paced classes my Jr & Sr year of high school I was completing a semester in one school week with A’s” whatever, I couldn’t drop a single class because that would put me below financial aid requirements, so I dropped them all. Unfortunately, I dropped a day late & had to pay 1/2 the aid I got back, I paid $850 but still owned $450. My college days were over after 1 semester. I did earn 18 credit hours, not that those mean anything now.
I was living with my dad at the time (met him when I was 15) he told me to get a job or I would have to move out, long story short it didn’t matter where I turned an app in I couldn’t get a single call back.
So I moved to my grandmother’s. She wanted me to get a job also, applied everywhere 5x each (small town less than 2000 people) once again not a thing back. My hometown hates me, it’s okay I’d make the town a crater if I could.
Then I got married. My husband paid the $450 I needed so I could go back, I started applying for work again, low and behold even McDonald’s still had no interest in hiring me. I’m a college drop out and I lack work experience, it’s not that big of a surprise. People love to point out the fact I should have been working since I was 16, yea unfortunately my mother had been using the welfare system for 13 years, and me getting a job could have meant we could have been homeless, no groceries, without heat etc….look at it this was $1 over income limits can get a child kicked out of headstart. The system’s broke. People also like to say “oh you’re young you’ll get a job” crap just crap.
I ended up putting going back to school & getting a job on hold because I was having a baby, my husband didn’t want me to stress over those things while pregnant. Too bad he never took the time to consider the stress I would be under once I found out he had numerous women online for 7 months of my pregnancy. I get it online isn’t “that bad” “not physical” “everyone flirts” but our relationship before marriage was heavily reliant on the internet. That was absolutely wretched for me. I’m carrying his child while he’s lining up other women.
So I’m 21 years old, with a baby born into a failing marriage, a college drop out, and unemployed. Then the car I brought into the marriage breaks down. Why is this important? Now 1/2 our income a month goes to pay for the stupid new car we own (car payment, insurance, gas) and after the other bills we can barely afford food. Don’t join the military folks it’s a special kind of hell for you and your family. So now besides my short comings I also have to face the fact that if things stay they way they are I will have to tell my child “mommy’s not hungry right now but you should eat.” because we can’t feed all 3 of us. We don’t qualify for anything more than WIC (which I don’ think we will anymore) because BAH is so high. We made the mistake of living in base housing which takes all our BAH & we can’t afford to move so we could pocket some of it.
My life has been such a waste. I’m not lazy. If I could get hired and not pay a $300 bill(my entire check & then some would go to gas, childcare and what WIC covers now) a month to do so I would. If I could go back to school and not walk out with $32,000 in loans I would. For the 3 months I did work in 2009 I often pulled my coworkers weight. I don’t think a GPA below 3.5 is acceptable. I’m the type of woman who likes to cook, clean, rear children, and cater to a husband, my depression and what my husband has done has destroyed that here but I would do it for someone else. I’m nothing but wasted potential. I just can’t get a shot in this world. No one will authentically help me, they just say they will.
Failed marriage I have to stay in or be homeless. I can’t feed my family. Unemployed. College Drop out. Disgraced housewife. Friends & family bailed on me.
I will say the only thing I do have going for me right now is that I have been sleeping with my husband’s (ex) best friend since June. He was there for me in some of my darkest moments during my marriage and he treated me like a wife when my husband wasn’t. I love him I seriously do. Idk if he’ll ever really love me though, right now we’re strictly sex. I’ve made it very clear with him since the beginning I want more, he may or may not come around to the idea. I can’t move in with him unless I marry him though because he’s also a military member and currently lives in the dorms. I’m not ready for all that again just yet.
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Some aspects of the military that could be of assistance…
– Some of the branches have Emergency Funds set up for when service members have an unexpected expense come up. It’s a loan that gets paid back over time but it will get you through the short-term crisis. In the Army, for example, it’s “Army Emergency Relief.”
– Some of the branches have on-installation daycare. The hours vary and, having no kids, I’m not sure of the hours… but that leads to the next point…
– As a military spouse, I believe you get preferred hiring status for many components of the installation. For example, on Army and Air Force installations, you’d get preferred status at AAFES. AAFES runs almost anything retail or restaurant related. Some installations have tons of hiring opportunities. It’s not the most money in the world but it’s something. Each service branch has its equivalent of AAFES. (The Air Force use AAFES, too.) Also look into Commissary hiring opportunities.
The military does try to take care of its own… but, like anything else, it can’t help if it doesn’t know. A struggling service-member and family can affect morale and welfare… and if the problem can be fixed, it will be fixed. Reach out and see what help there is.
I tried to research an answer to the interaction between BAH and WIC. Long story short, it looks like it depends on your State’s laws. Some report that their State didn’t include BAH in determining income… while others report that their State did. No matter what happens, you still have other options.
The only difference between their “emergency funds” and a loan is they don’t charge interest. They aren’t for things like groceries and we can’t get anymore approved after we used a loan to fix the car that we had to give up on less than a year later anyways, we’re still making payments on it.
We can’t afford the on installation daycare.
I can’t work anywhere on base because I either have “too many skills” simply because I am a high school graduated without disabilities or I’m under educated because I don’t have a degree. I’ve tried.
We would use our tax return to move out of housing but because they do not cover full dental for spouses (I will have $660+ in dental copays) or glasses for either of us (they do give my husband plastic frames for free) we will be spending it on that along with the $2,000 star card bill, the $300 USAA card bill, and to pay off the loan for the car. We max out the star card every month because it’s often the only way we can squeak by.
I should also mention my husband is making $300 below what he should for his rank including his BAS. At the beginning of the year he was making below base pay. We’ve gone to finance be they say there’s nothing wrong. I was talking to a gentlemen who was in the army who asked me what his rank was and he was like “oh you get 3 grand a month plus bah” ummm no try less than half that with BAH just barley under what we live on monthly.