Survivor.

A little time ago I tried to kill myself.

I was taking these meds for depression and anxiety and also some kind of sleeping pills, ’cause I was feeling really bad. I have abandoned school and I’ve spent my days sleeping, crying, talking with my therapist, doing to myself all kind of self harm, drinking all night and things like these.

I was afraid of the night, ’cause even if my mother was trying to take care of me ’cause she knew everything, at night I was somehow always alone. When everyone slept I was always still there, facing my demons in the dark, trying not to be tempted by them; by myself.

I was afraid of death. I’m still afraid of it. I want to pass through the bad things that I have to face and have an almost happy and simple life full of serenity. And on top of everything, I want to remember what happened to me, what and who I’ve allowed to ruin my life. I want to feel what means to be full of joy and life.

But a night I took a pill. Then another one. And another, and again, again and again. I took too many pills, I started to feel too strange, so I sent a message to my therapist and then I’ve gone to bed to sleep. I didn’t planned anything.

I don’t remember well the next morning. The police came home and my mother took me to the hospital. I was confused, I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew an important, little thing: I was alive. I failed my suicide, and I was so happy, even if still afraid. I had many trouble after that, but I then managed to make my life and myself a little better. I don’t even know what happened to me in the past that make me like this, but I’m going on searching for the answer.

I’m still afraid of many, many things and sometimes I don’t know if I can be happy someday, but I’m trying, I’m striving. I have always the same pain inside me, my heart hurts everyday of my life, I often think of doing self harm again, but I’m still “living”. I know that only “living” isn’t enough, but is the right way to start living for real.

Get up and fight for your life. It is a ridiculous, insignificante, pathetic life, but it’s your life, and you have to take care of it. Of yourself. Always.