God, both my parents are dropping not-so-subtle hints that they already want to retire…
My father had a myocardial infarction a few years ago and he’s still struggling to pay off the loan he took to pay for the medical bills, and on top of that he’s paying for his meds for diabetes monthly and sending my 2 younger siblings to college. He says he really wants to pay all the bills and just retire as soon as he can.
My mother is sick and tired of her abusive boss and unprofessional work environment. She only plans to stay 3 years tops to complete a 10-year company requirement so she’ll be able to get her separation pay and after that she’s saying she’s done and she wants to quit.
And I am still unemployed and have been for almost a year. I have a student loan debt, too. I’m just so confused and scrambling right now. I’ve been trying to find work and it’s like I can’t find work fast enough. But it’s all a BIG-ASS CONFLICT.
I took too long to finish a degree that I do not like and I do not excel in. After acquiring my license to practice I thought that my obligations to my parents were done. I graduated and finished the course they wanted for me and now it’s my chance to do what I want to do, and find a job I’m passionate about and am good at. I thought I would be able to use the past months to find out what that was but obviously I failed and all that time has gone to waste.
I learned that to qualify for a job you already have to HAVE that job i.e. if you want to apply as a web designer/writer/editor/secretary/executive assistant/game tester, you have to have at least 2years experience as a web designer/writer/editor/secretary/executive assistant/game tester. WELL, SHIT.
So from that I have concluded that to be able to qualify for a job, I guess I have to study another degree again. But of course, I cannot do that anymore since the remaining family funds is going to be used for the education of my younger siblings. And I am fucking pressed for time. I’ve wasted so much time already.
Now, I’m stuck with finding a job with my current degree. A job that I am not confident and comfortable in. I have no choice! And what pisses me off is that I’m now practically ready to BEG for that job, a job that I do not see myself doing happily for the rest of my life. I don’t think I’m even qualified for that job anymore since it’s been so long since I had the chance to practice my skills that I know jack-shit about it now. It’s all gone. My mind is blank. I’m rusty. I actually want to get that job but at the same time I’m dreading it, too. I’m terrified that if I do get the job, I’ll fuck up because I’m so incompetent and all over the place.
I swore to myself that I’ll find a job that’ll make me happy. I’ve seen enough of my parents being sad and unfulfilled at their jobs to want to follow in that path. But now, it seems that I’m going on a worse path, the path of total unemployment and pathetic uselessness.
I wanted to have a job that I love doing. I guess that’s too much to ask. I know now that I could never have that. Okay, I’ll let that go. Now, I just want to have a job, so that I can help my parents. But that seems to be denied to me too. What the actual fuck did I do to deserve this? I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to disappear, I can’t take this pressure anymore. I want this all to end, it’s pointless.
P.S. Sorry for the long rant. To anyone who read this, thanks very much for your time. Much appreciated…..