I told my cat Charlie Chow Mein that one of my resolutions was to put him on a diet. This was his reaction…
hahaha
bet ya didn’t know cats could laugh did you?
What is your resolution this year?
New Years Resolutions….
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Fantastic!
great cat whispers, lol. no resolutionss, but i am going to put effort into changing my staple word from shitgoddamnitmotherfuckinbastard to hope. its eaisier to type. lol. much love to you whispers and thank you, may your new year be wonderful. peace
lol see? I told you it was easier to type didn’t I?! 😉 I hope (there is that word!) you have an amazing year tc with plenty of happy moments and hope (again :p) filled dreams.
Awww I feel like hope is my word!! 🙂 It is my favourite and least favourite word.. Its kept me going through some tough times but then it vanishes.. shitgoddamnitmotherfuckinbastard. Maybe we should swap.
My resolution is to put my needs first. And be my self, when I feel I can. I hope these two things could really help me :S
But i’m glad you also like it.. I’m not claiming hope as only mine! Its nice to share 😛
Your resolution sounds perfect. I am so glad you talked to your family. Great way to start 2015. Wishing this year brings you love and happiness.
@Chow mein.. I’m sorry no more takeaway for you.. @ whispers he’s called chow mein!! He just feels he has to live up to his name 😛
Charlie Chow Mein is a suitable name for a cat. If Charlie decides to go on an excursion one of the days and fails to return home I suggest calling your local Chinese restaurant. It’s highly likely that he’s ended up in somebodies chow mein.
That is entirely possible. Originally his name was just Charlie but he is such a trouble maker that people started to half jokingly threaten to turn him into chow mein and it stuck as a name lol And as a added bonus he really likes eating chow mein!
Does Charlie know your sinful whispers? Has he heard your confession- is that why he looks disturbed?
As a matter of fact yes. I have a photo I plan on posting soon of him sitting in my desk chair listening to my problems. I just pay him in catnip and treats which is why he is so overweight. I have a lot of sins I discuss with him!
Poor Charlie, he’s too fat to escape. He’s going to need a therapist himself after that ordeal.
Ikr! When I try to pay him less then his usual fee I get bit! What kind of therapist bites their patients?! He also likes to steal food and intimidate others. Not to mention attacking people, beating up dogs, chasing cats….he really does need help O.O
Yes, the disinhibition and impulsiveness indicate that the stresses of the world have finally driven the poor cat mad. He’ll never be the same again.
He is conniving too. Whenever we see the vet he cuddles and purrs. The vet always says how lucky I am to have such a wonderful cuddly pet. Yet as soon as we arrive home he promptly drops the act and goes back to being the boss of his domain which certainly does NOT include purrs and cuddles…..just look through my past posts to see how he sits on the dog!
Do you know, studies have shown most cats reflect the mental disposition of their owners? Are you sure that it’s Charlie who needs help?
If that’s true than I need more help than I realized. Not only do I deal with Charlie Chow Mein, but I also have a senior cat, Kit. She hates everything. Then there’s my dog Finnegan who adores Charlie. He takes being a cat owner very seriously and he bathes and plays with him several times each day. And there’s Allie Oopsie who’s goal in life seems to be becoming the best French kissing chiweenie of all time! Even if she has to pin people down to the best of her ability to practice her goal. O.o Lastly is Louie the guinea pig who seems normal until he sees one of my best friends come over. Then he gets so excited he releases sperm all over her! Yeah. So if what you say is true then I am beyond help indeed.
It’s confirmed what we’ve known all along.
Yes, that Charlie has to diet. And as my New Years resolution I will make that happen! Although if his food bowl gets low he might eat the dogs. I need to plan this carefully so he loses weight and no one dies or gets hurt in the process. Do you think his catnip gives him the munchies? Maybe he needs to use less of that stuff too. Its going to be a looonng year.
I’m not sure. I’ve never studied cat psychology in depth. If Charlie had access to alcohol I suspect that would have been his first choice. Is obesity really better than alcoholism? Most people view it that way because alcohol is seen as more discreditable than junk food. In many ways it’s like suicide.
idk I have let him sniff alcohol to which he shows pure disgust. He does have an addiction to weeds, grass, catnip and anything remotely related. That may explain his bizarre personality and his serious weight problem. Or maybe it’s cause he is a cat that was deprived of food before I got him so now has an addiction to it. Or maybe it’s just cause he is a cat :p
That’s an interesting theory. Heart Disease is the most common cause of death in cats. Looking at that picture, it looks like Charlie’s heart could rupture at any moment.
Or he’s just curvy 😛
@trap *sniffle* I know! He has to diet so he can live a long feline life. Who else will beat up the dogs and listen to my whining? Charlie will get thin this year! He will damnit even if it kills us both
@lh yes just curvy and fluffy.
He’s lying on his back through immobilisation. He is distressed and you can see the fear in his face. Charlie knows his days are numbered. There’s nothing he can do about it except roll around on the floor like a beached whale. ‘Curvy’?- he’s the size of a heifer.
haha what about podgey.. there is such thing as a cat treadmill, maybe he needs one..
It is ironic you should say that as Charlie has a body double that is actually a very large black n white stuffed cow that Finnegan the dog humps everyday. I have always wondered if there was a connection between his humping a stuffy that happens to look like his best friend the cat or if its just coincidence. He does have several other stuffies to choose from.
And that’s not fear, that is laughter! The only thing he fears is looking at the bottom of an empty food bowl.
@lh I actually have pics of Charlie outside in his halter and leash and Finnegan trying to walk him around by pulling on the leash. Charlie just ignores it. Afterall Finn is 10 pounds and Charlie at last weigh was 23 and I am sure he has gained a pound or two since then. Any advice on helping him lose weight though is welcome! I get him to exercise but unrolling toilet paper then running around the house dragging it behind me while he chases it. I am not sure who is more entertained…Charlie or Finnegan watching his cat chase me around.
When you require a wheelbarrow to transport your cat, it has reached a stage that is beyond recall. I suppose one can draw parallels with Charlie’s situation and some of the people around here. The relationship between a greedy cat and a doting owner can be seen in various forms all over this site. Some would say it’s ‘love’ others ‘kindness’. Maybe it is possible to love someone to death. Anyway, all I know is that we’re all going to die and Charlie might be next.
(I know there are a lot of cat people on this site and I don’t mean to depress anybody)
That’s why it is my resolution! I have been a bad cat owner (although technically I think he belongs to the dog) by allowing him to get so large. Anytime I would try to cut back on food I would get bit and would give in. But no more! I might lose some skin (and other tissues and dignity and so forth) but I will prevail! Charlie will be a slender cat by years end. And I don’t need a wheelbarrow! I just wrap both arms around him and heave.
Yeah but food makes him happy. He’s had to listen to all your issues which have left him traumatised. The only pleasure he can find in life is in food. Wouldn’t it be more humane to allow him to suffer a fatal heart attack than force him to live a miserable life.
hehe, you have depressed me now trap door.. I was fine until i imagined the fat (appologies charlie!) cat now its sad face poking out of a wheelbarrow..
Yes it’s always better to be realistic. You might have wanted to live in a dream world where Charlie is ok and everyone is ok but you’ve only been deluding yourselves. I’m happy to be of assistance and it’s now my mission to awaken more lost souls.
I was thinking this post is too funny for this site.. And I’m a goody two shoes, don’t want to get in trouble for inappropriate comments 😛
This post has been classified as ‘Fun & Interesting’ so I think you’ll be ok. No rules have been broken.
Long live Charlie Chow Mein.
Hopefully Charlie Chow Mein won’t report this post. If he’s sensitive about his weight he might feel a bit bullied considering all of the scrutiny he’s received here today.
@Charlie; Are you gonna watch the Rose Bowl? It starts in ten minutes. Oregon vs. Florida State! Are you as excited as I am, Mr. Chow Mein?
Go Ducks!!
Yes! Long live Charlie Chow Mein! He will be an example for other overweight cats out there. Maybe he needs his own youtube account. Or even just a website. Or maybe he can just become famous here on a site for suicidal people. O.o
It might have been categorised as ‘fun & interesting’ but is it, is it really? What’s fun and interesting about somebodies cat?
All the moderators own cat’s anyway. This ought to be real popular.
What is interesting is he laughs. Just look at that pic! :p
Grimacing not laughing. Even if he was it’s not that interesting. If you make a post about putting your suicidal cat out of his misery that might be interesting. But this nonsense and cat people- definitely not.
Yes it very uninteresting which is why you have commented so much :p
what a cute cat 🙂 happy new years to you, WoMS, and charlie!
Thank you! One thing I am looking forward to is reading more of your writing in 2015 🙂
I know a girl who named her cat Mr. Meowgi. (Like Mr. Miagi from The Karate Kid, but with a meow).
Charlie Chow Mein is a great name too. He looks very well fed, I don’t think he needs to worry about starving to death. 🙂
Morris he doesn’t need to worry about starving to death but he does anyway. Hence attacking me if his giant food bowl gets remotely close to halfway which it somehow does at least once a day.
Ty about his name. I had a bunny I named Sir Frankenbun. He lived in my bathroom (cause he wanted to) and use to hump my leg everyday when I brushed my teeth. This makes me think maybe pets take on personalities of their names. You give a weird name and you get a weird pet!
I wonder if there’s any correlation between cat ownership and suicide. Are cat lovers more likely to off themselves than their cat-free counterparts?
Are cat owners more likely to lead a solitary lifestyle? Do cats ever surreptitiously drive their human care-givers to suicide? Is there a reason why witches in fairy tales usually own a black cat?
Idk. I have noticed that a lot of people on suicide forums have cats. Coincidence?
You might be onto something. Doesn’t help when your cat treats you like a lowly slave. *sniffle*
Seriously though…maybe.
I notice many people on suicide forums are lonely so maybe they want a pet. Cats cost less than dogs and need less maintenance so make a more ideal pet in lots of situations. People might also feel like their cat, being so independent, can manage better without them if they do suicide. Unlike dogs who tend to act like they needs us more. Interesting idea anyways. Plus I think (from my experience) if you are lower income and rent then most landlords will allow a cat but rarely a dog. And although suicides comes from all walks of life, I think a higher percentage may come from lower income brackets. Just my ramblings anyway.
Dogs pretend to care more.. cats really don’t give a crap.. Dogs probably better for filling the love void!
Once I saw Charlie walk by a sleeping Finnegan, stop, glance back then return to the dog. He sat beside him watching him then hit him on the head with one big furry paw. Then started washing himself like nothing happened. I thought I must have misunderstood what I saw but after a minute when the dog didn’t react Charlie stopped washing and watched him again. Then suddenly reached out and whacked him even harder and quickly started washing again. The dog woke, looked around, saw Charlie beside him and growled. Charlie seemingly ignored all this while continuing his bath. Then Finnegan got up and moved somewhere else to resume his nap. As soon as he was walking away Charlie stopped washing and watched him go. Then went back to where he was going to begin with…the kitchen for his food bowl. Made me wonder if I had seriously been underestimating cats my whole life. Or maybe Charlie is just special O.o
Wasn’t “Charles in Charge” a TV show from the 80’s?
Sounds like Mr. Chow Mein rules your roost with an iron fist. Or paw.
Yea, I remember that show! So if I were to make a youtube account for Charlie what would be a good title?
Chuckles in Charge: Adventures of a well-fed cat.
Join us each week as we follow the exploits of Charlie Chow Mein, a rambunctious trickster who loves to eat and prank his room-mates. Who knows what hijink this frisky feline will find himself in next week?
Be sure to tune in next week for another riveting episode of Chuckles in Charge.
(that’s the demo blurb. Lemme drink a few more beers for further inspiration)
@Whispers; The term “next week” or “each week” appears three times in that blurb. That’s redundant. Feel free to edit as you see fit. (I didn’t proof read that comment before submitting it).
Oregon is up 8-3 in the 1st quarter. They were successful in a two point conversion after scoring their 1st TD.
Chuckles! haven’t heard that name since I watched old mash reruns. I love the title and blurb. Wondering if Charlie wants to become famous O.O
Check it out: For the first episode you get a pet psychic to communicate with Charlie Chow Mein.
We learn about CCM’s kittenhood, the struggles he’s faced, his joys and his triumphs. The audience gets inside of Charlie’s head and we learn what he’s all about.
What makes Charlie tick? Who is this well fed trickster?
Behind the Catnip: Charlie Chow Mein exposed.
i like! a troubling tale of the consequences of drug addiction.
Exactly! Plenty of rock stars have drug and alcohol problems, but how many documentaries have you seen about cats who are battling addiction issues?
Ladies and gentleman, I might have just stumbled onto a million dollar idea here.
You people are brilliant! Great way to start the new year!
hear hear this has made me smile lots, thank you
Thank you for commenting so much…enjoying this a great deal! We all need laughter and cheering up. Especially Charlie when he realizes I wasn’t kidding about the diet.
We all know who the star of this show is.
Charlie Chow Mein.
I hope that Chuckles (his street name) is able to launch a reality show this year. I’m worried that CCM might not be with us forever, and I just hope he’s able to become an internet celebrity before his 9th life comes to an end.
CCM is a natural. He was born to entertain millions with his very own youtube channel. Who knows, maybe you could transform your cat into a cash cow?
Oregon is up 18-6 approaching the half.
And you know what we will do with the funds? Start a suicide cruise line. Or maybe a home for junkie cats that need help. This years gonna be good.
Hey Morris I’m glad you raised this issue. There is a correlation between suicide and cat ownership. Women infected with the Toxoplasma gondii (T. gondii) parasite, which is spread through contact with cat faeces are at increased risk of attempting suicide.
it could be a hit! or a miss.. we need a pilot. surely it has to have something to do with this site.. need a bit of darkness too, otherwise i reckon he might get haters.. can he overcome his chow mein addiction, will he ever be able to accept he is owned by a dog, does his weight keep him up at night..
Exactly! See, you can come up with the episodes each week! And then Morris can do the blurbs! We will have a hit! 😉
The only adventure Charlie will be having is rolling around on the floor and being treated like a baby. How degrading.
i look forward to your views the most trap door.. you can be the critic that keeps us on our toes 😛
I will not be taking any part in this freak show. Even I have to draw the line somewhere.
@Trap Door; We hold a séance, and Charlie Chow Mein tells us that he’s you’re #1 fan as a contributor on suicide forums.
Would you participate then? If Charlie Chow Mein himself asked you?
You know Charlie’s weak spot. He’ll say anything for catnip like a crack addict with an uncontrollable urge for their next hit. You got him hooked on catnip so that you could exploit him for your sick pleasure. No, I will not endorse this grotesque circus show.
None of us are perfect. So Charlie Chow Mein’s got some issues. Don’t we all?
Let’s not throw away the baby with the bathwater.
I think Charlie can persevere and with his leadership, with Charlie as our inspiration we can all forge ahead towards a brighter future.
I’d like to nominate Charlie Chow Mein for president. I think it’s about time we stop discriminating and allow a well fed cat to become president. Can I count on your vote, Trap Door?
night night all.. pleased to go to sleep smiling.. charlie get ready to be a super star..
G’nite. Remember: Vote 4 Charlie.
Charlie Chow Mein for president in 2016!
He will get my vote! Cause I am pretty sure he will bite me if I don’t.
Ha! Almost as pudgy as my cat Rikko. She’s the queen of the apartment.
Hey Admin/pesky moderators deleted my post. How the hell is a picture of a cat more relevant than 80’s Claymation?
Does anyone know of an alternative suicide site which allows people to express themselves in a non-clichéd less tasteless way?
ohh I love 80s claymation!
And Charlie Chow Mein is a great name for a cat.
Fun thread 🙂
The unthinkable has happened. The cat people have arrived.
Their fuzzy army have now invaded the last suicidal safe haven on the internet to forcibly impose their fuzz. What chance did we have? None.
To the one or two brave souls still fighting, it’s time to concede defeat. There is only one option that remains. Suicide. Yes, suicide. It’s better to die than be converted.
You must be a gerbil person.
Meow!
How is Charlie Chow Mein doing? Has he stuck to his (owner imposed) New Years resolution to lose weight? 🙂
I was thinking about Charlie today. Has he got his own youtube channel yet?
Charlie and I had a discussion. It was decided, after numerous wounds involving his claws, that he doesn’t have to start his diet until I get his claws trimmed. We agreed to pay someone else to do this, like a groomer or vet, cause it would be much more entertaining than doing it myself. I think that should be his first youtube vid, yes?
I’m starting to suspect that Charles is in charge of that household. Oh Whispers. You’re living under the tyrannical rule of a well fed feline? I shudder in horror at the thought of living under the dictatorship of Charlie Chow Mein.
Charlie was destined to someday become a youtube sensation. He’s got movie star potential, no doubt about it. Um…lemme check my suicidal schedule to see if I’m available to shoot a straight-to-youtube cat video.
It isn’t a dictatorship! We just have to do things his way… oh I see what you mean. Omg save me from this cat! How soon can you do this video? If he gets famous maybe he will forget about me and I can escape.
:p
Oh Whispers. I had no idea just how dire your situation truly is.
Remember: You feed him. Despite his massive size, you’re bigger than him. If it comes down to a fight you can take Charlie out.
Have you ever seen a show called “The Dog Whisperer”? Find the cat equivalent. A Cat Whisperer. Drastic times call for drastic measures. You cannot let the cat win. Please. If you die because a cat drove you to suicide……I will quit this site and wander the earth, forever questioning the meaning of this absurd existence in a world gone mad. (Or maybe just give Charlie more catnip).
A Cat Whisperer… You might be onto something. Can you imagine a reality show titled the cat whisperer vs charlie chow mein? Yeah this is good! We could make millions.
And Morris have you seen my post with Charlie in my desk chair? Think its called meet my counsellor. I admit I’m one tough Canadian chick but you seriously think I can win against that? I’m tough not crazy 😉
If you want some example of how trying to tame a cat has worked for some people just try asking Jon Arbuckle. That guy hasn’t had anything to eat in years because of his orange cat, lol.
You are right! Jon is rather skinny. Probably survives cause Odie shares his dog food. And no cat would stoop low enough to eat that! Wait… Have I mentioned Charlie also eats the dog food? Both my cats do, it’s kinda weird lol.