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So so so fed up of it all…

by Neko 3ucliwood

I’m reaching a point as to were I just give up on being my true self, being my true self is fucking up so much shit in my life, its fucking up my family, my relationship with my fiancé, and making any new friends is impossible as all I can do is try to maintain the ones I currently have. Plus with my fiancé its truly fucking everything up, she suffered a big emotional blow a month ago and she doesn’t need my shit, but no, the fact that I must know everything that seems slightly suspicious or posts online because I have this fear that she’s being intimate with someone else, even though this thought has no grounds as she refuses to cheat in anyway, is not what she needs. But I cant help it, I just cant, its how I’ve worked for a while and by the looks of things its how I’m going to continue to work. I’m so fucking fed up of my personal worries and anger fucking up everything, and I mean everything, I’m just done, so absolutely fucking done. I’m seriously considering either completely locking up my true self and becoming someone else, something fake, just so everyone around me doesn’t have to suffer my bullshit. I’m and asshole when you first meet me I freely admit that, I’m such a **** that you’ll either want to punch me or walk away, but as it stands, its who I am, my personality and mindset make me a **** and I’m sick of it, so sick. I just cant see an escape from it all apart from murdering who I am and becoming something fake, something pretending to be human, a reflection on a lakes surface…

And being fed up with my anger? That…that is a whole other issue in and its self. Its a fucking joke. One big fucked up fucking joke. Sadist, egotistical, arrogant, I’ve been told I’m narcissistic, and a short fuse before I explode. It’s hilarious really, I can be incredibly sweet and kind but annoy me and BOOM, instantly revert to my true self as I usually hide some elements to make it easier for people to interact with me. so I’m fucking done, I should either die, withdraw from society, be locked away, move to another country and live in the most remote location ever, or drive myself insane so people can just throw me in a padded cell.

I’m just done, fed up of being a problem, fed up of ruining lives, fed up of my own existence.

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2 comments

jj 12/6/2014 - 11:46 pm

Wow. Just take a breath. You need a vacation from your emotions. Don’t believe that you are a c*** just because you have emotions, or are angry sometimes. Life can be demanding. Sounds like you are a little insecure, maybe it is time to talk to a therapist and let go of some of that anger and pain. Good luck.

afakasiangel 12/7/2014 - 5:15 am

I’ve felt the same way. I’m a horrible person and don’t deserve to have anybody around me. I try to be somebody else – who they all want me to be….but it’s impossible to conceal my true feelings. It’s so much hard work! Wish I was born somebody else

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