Surround by people but couldn’t feel more alone.

I think back to a time of the hopes and dreams I had years ago of who I was going to be and fast forward I feel like I’m nowhere near those dreams. Past betrayals have left me guarded which has left me in a state of not being able to connect to anyone. I internalize everything and in public I laugh and joke as a way to hide and cope. The irony is I work in a profession where I’m surrounded by people everyday and it is my job to help them feel and look better. With each of their smiles I hope that it will somehow give me a reason to live. But I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I feel so alone everyday. I go home and all I want to do is sleep and dream about how my life could’ve turned out. I don’t feel like anyone understands me nor do I have anyone to talk to. If I do open up how can we connect if I a piece of me will always be hidden because I can’t express who I am for fear if judgement. So I live a half life and in turn I’m never fully living. So each day lived is another regret added into the list. My heart breaks every night before I go to sleep and the next morning I put on my makeup and live the same day robotically like a never ending record. Just wondering when will it end.