This time when I cut, I regressed to cutting my left shoulder, as I was wont to do years ago. I slit superficial lines between the iron cross, making the black ink of the tattoo glisten prettily. I wish I had taken that razor and slit my goddamn throat. But I am a gutless *****, too afraid of what could happen to me if I do it. So there are 14 lines, some longer than others, some deeper than others. All easily hidden by my shirt sleeve.
HOW FUCKING DARE YOU BLAME ME FOR WHAT HAPPENED??!! The fall wasn’t my fault. “You’ve got to hold on to her hand so she doesn’t fall, you ALWAYS have to hold on to her hand!” You take her shopping then *****. FUCK YOU!!! Old people fall ALL THE TIME. There is NO FUCKING THING I could have done to stop it.
I wish I had died that day. Ironic, how 7 months ago to the day I was admitted to the psych ward for contemplating suicide. I wish I had died that day, jumped off the balcony and splat my goddamn guts all over the place. Dad’s home now. I hear his voice, and feel nothing. I want to get one of his guns and blow my goddamn brains out.
GODDAMN. GODDAMN YOU ALL. GODDAMN ME.
I HATE MYSELF. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. MAYBE I CAN DIE OF SPITE.
FUCK YOU!!!
2 comments
So much hurt and anger in this post…sigh. I hope beautiful things for you.
dear person, no you cannot die from spite. or heartbreak,anguish,pain, or any of the myriad of emotions that we suffer through. if we could, i would have been gone long ago. do not blame yourself for something that is not your fault. yes, old people fall, old people die. its the effects of being old, not somebodies fault. our bodies are like machines. after a certain amount of time the parts wear out, break and stop working. its nobodies fault, just the natural effects of aging. if you cant tell, im one of those. mid life. but staring at the old age freight train coming right at me. (by the gods, im gonna be a cranky old fart). i truly hope you get through this. and their is a crowd of people out their who hope you get through this. we may be faceless entities, but we do care. we are you and you are us.. you are not alone. peace to you