I am trying to find the guts to cut myself tonight. I have never done it but thought about it often. I am scared of the pain but feel like I need a release.
I definitely know that feeling also.. It is a release, Just know it is addictive 🙁 might open another can of worms for you to have to deal with :/ how about screaming or hitting a pillow or ranting on here?
Hi again. You are awesome by the way. I really just don’t know what else to do. The crying doesn’t work, I am too ashamed to scream and have a hard time believing I have any right to be complaining on here. I tend to believe I get what I deserve and that I really am nobody.
Tell me how you are feeling this eve? It is very kind of you to address my feelings.
I want to hear about your problems.. please share! No one deserves to feel depressed and so I wonder why do you believe that? I know that I already care about your wellbeing, so your already not a nobody to me! But again why do you think that?
Its much easier to be sympathetic to other people, than yourself. I know you would do the same for me. I also struggle to give myself the same understanding i give others :s but I;m trying!
To make a long story short, both my parents died about 15 years ago. I was in my 20’s. I had an older sister who went MIA.while I took.care.of both our parents in hospice as they died of cancer within a year of each other. Prior to that I had already had the depression. Issue and several suicide attempts. I also found out my dad was gay (no big deal except he lied to my mom for 35 years). He is still one of the best men I have ever known. The sister then started with her suicide attempts after the folks passed so I took care of her. Until she became too abusive to me that is. I had to get her out of my life because she was killing me faster than I could do it myself.
The crazy part is during most of this I had the most amazing job in the world. I was never happy or felt right but it soothed my soul. If it weren’t for that I wouldn’t be here today. Unfortunately, I had to give it up and technically no biggie because I was a miserable person anyway. The holidays just kill me, they are not meant for those like myself with.mo connections. I am mad with myself because I have everything I need to survive.and would give it away if I could stop surviving.
That dream job.i speak of, I taught scuba and spent the majority of my days underwater. It was my savior, the fish, the reef, the peace, being a silent yet respective observer. I never feel better than when I am in the sea. But even that doesn’t do enough to inspire me to live.
That sounds unbelievably hard. You’ve shown a massive amount of strength to just fight on until today.. No wonder your tired and exhausted by it all!! There is no one looking out for you 🙁
And I also have everything I need physically. And over many years I’ve learnt yes I can survive,, But its not enough we need empathy, love and acceptance and compassion or you get to a stage where you just don’t want to..
I suppose that is what is stick the most, you need some support. You’ve looked after so many people and probably carried their troubles too, but no one has done it for you. So is there a close friend you could tell, even show some of this too. Or I couldn’t do that but even going to a Dr can lead to some help..
Been there done that. My bestie has more kids and a loser husband than she can.handle. you said it best when saying I could use some looking after. As a friend I am never a priority, other people have family and obligations which I don’t. Therefore I am always waiting being the lowest on the totem pole or I always win by default. In other words if so and so doesn’t want to or can’t. They know I will always compromise.because its.that or nothing. I am irritating myself, you are really.kind. thank you again for asking and listening.
Ah then you do have the power!!! I hope it is wanted but this is my advice and I have to give it but I also know how hard it is, its so scary and actually sometimes painful (and I still really struggle to do it) but it can lead to change: Don’t compromise, ask them all to treat you with the same respect and caring you treat them. Some will get angry, some will give you a guilt trip, some might disappear but if you stay strong (and you’ve already shown how strong you are) your true friends will step up and give you what you need and deserve.
I know this is a late post. Sorry. Are there hot peppers – jalapenos, habaneros, at your house? Horse-radish? Anything? If so, eat some. Eat until your eyes bleed fire. It will help. I recommend it to someone who has never indulged in cutting. Don’t make cuts yet, please. I’ve been there. Don’t even crack open that door. It starts with cat-scratches that fade after hours. You build up to red marks that leave little thread-scabs. Soon you’ll draw little pinpricks of blood. Then your cuts will bleed evenly along the ridge. Soon the red will run down your arms, legs. Soon the gashes will become wider, wider, paler, deathlier looking. Eventually, it won’t stop bleeding. And you’ll need stitches.
Please, don’t try it. Don’t. Eat a jalapeno instead.
why would you physically scar yourself? dont build up guts to do something like that.. go out and get drunk or smoke a joint instead.. Cutting doesnt make sense at all.. plus i thought cutting was only done to try to cut a vain open to kill themselves..
start off small, then work your way up. razors work best: less pain, smooth, deep cuts, duller knives make rigid and painful cuts. the first time i was cut by an xacto there was barely any pain at all. i felt it, i heard it, but no pain, just a big gash and blood, and a permanent scar.
get a sharpener and remove the screw thingy and then you’ll end up having a blade. i’m not going to lie, the pain is addictive. i don’t know about other people but i have marks that are visible that are permanent, so if anyone asks about those white marks just lie.
Heya, I also fell asleep.. great minds!!! I really really hope you got some rest and the built up pain has dissapaited a bit. Know that we do care about you.. Second thing I did when I woke up was come on here.. I hope your not feeling happier because thats ridiculous, but just calmer. All the best A_shoe_in
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I definitely know that feeling also.. It is a release, Just know it is addictive 🙁 might open another can of worms for you to have to deal with :/ how about screaming or hitting a pillow or ranting on here?
Hi again. You are awesome by the way. I really just don’t know what else to do. The crying doesn’t work, I am too ashamed to scream and have a hard time believing I have any right to be complaining on here. I tend to believe I get what I deserve and that I really am nobody.
Tell me how you are feeling this eve? It is very kind of you to address my feelings.
I want to hear about your problems.. please share! No one deserves to feel depressed and so I wonder why do you believe that? I know that I already care about your wellbeing, so your already not a nobody to me! But again why do you think that?
Its much easier to be sympathetic to other people, than yourself. I know you would do the same for me. I also struggle to give myself the same understanding i give others :s but I;m trying!
To make a long story short, both my parents died about 15 years ago. I was in my 20’s. I had an older sister who went MIA.while I took.care.of both our parents in hospice as they died of cancer within a year of each other. Prior to that I had already had the depression. Issue and several suicide attempts. I also found out my dad was gay (no big deal except he lied to my mom for 35 years). He is still one of the best men I have ever known. The sister then started with her suicide attempts after the folks passed so I took care of her. Until she became too abusive to me that is. I had to get her out of my life because she was killing me faster than I could do it myself.
The crazy part is during most of this I had the most amazing job in the world. I was never happy or felt right but it soothed my soul. If it weren’t for that I wouldn’t be here today. Unfortunately, I had to give it up and technically no biggie because I was a miserable person anyway. The holidays just kill me, they are not meant for those like myself with.mo connections. I am mad with myself because I have everything I need to survive.and would give it away if I could stop surviving.
That dream job.i speak of, I taught scuba and spent the majority of my days underwater. It was my savior, the fish, the reef, the peace, being a silent yet respective observer. I never feel better than when I am in the sea. But even that doesn’t do enough to inspire me to live.
That sounds unbelievably hard. You’ve shown a massive amount of strength to just fight on until today.. No wonder your tired and exhausted by it all!! There is no one looking out for you 🙁
And I also have everything I need physically. And over many years I’ve learnt yes I can survive,, But its not enough we need empathy, love and acceptance and compassion or you get to a stage where you just don’t want to..
I suppose that is what is stick the most, you need some support. You’ve looked after so many people and probably carried their troubles too, but no one has done it for you. So is there a close friend you could tell, even show some of this too. Or I couldn’t do that but even going to a Dr can lead to some help..
Been there done that. My bestie has more kids and a loser husband than she can.handle. you said it best when saying I could use some looking after. As a friend I am never a priority, other people have family and obligations which I don’t. Therefore I am always waiting being the lowest on the totem pole or I always win by default. In other words if so and so doesn’t want to or can’t. They know I will always compromise.because its.that or nothing. I am irritating myself, you are really.kind. thank you again for asking and listening.
Ah then you do have the power!!! I hope it is wanted but this is my advice and I have to give it but I also know how hard it is, its so scary and actually sometimes painful (and I still really struggle to do it) but it can lead to change: Don’t compromise, ask them all to treat you with the same respect and caring you treat them. Some will get angry, some will give you a guilt trip, some might disappear but if you stay strong (and you’ve already shown how strong you are) your true friends will step up and give you what you need and deserve.
I am going to try and go to bed. Thanks for talking me off the “ledge”. It would be nice to chat again some time. Take care my friend.
I know this is a late post. Sorry. Are there hot peppers – jalapenos, habaneros, at your house? Horse-radish? Anything? If so, eat some. Eat until your eyes bleed fire. It will help. I recommend it to someone who has never indulged in cutting. Don’t make cuts yet, please. I’ve been there. Don’t even crack open that door. It starts with cat-scratches that fade after hours. You build up to red marks that leave little thread-scabs. Soon you’ll draw little pinpricks of blood. Then your cuts will bleed evenly along the ridge. Soon the red will run down your arms, legs. Soon the gashes will become wider, wider, paler, deathlier looking. Eventually, it won’t stop bleeding. And you’ll need stitches.
Please, don’t try it. Don’t. Eat a jalapeno instead.
I don’t have the blood to cut :/ Stupid anemia.
why would you physically scar yourself? dont build up guts to do something like that.. go out and get drunk or smoke a joint instead.. Cutting doesnt make sense at all.. plus i thought cutting was only done to try to cut a vain open to kill themselves..
start off small, then work your way up. razors work best: less pain, smooth, deep cuts, duller knives make rigid and painful cuts. the first time i was cut by an xacto there was barely any pain at all. i felt it, i heard it, but no pain, just a big gash and blood, and a permanent scar.
get a sharpener and remove the screw thingy and then you’ll end up having a blade. i’m not going to lie, the pain is addictive. i don’t know about other people but i have marks that are visible that are permanent, so if anyone asks about those white marks just lie.
Heya, I also fell asleep.. great minds!!! I really really hope you got some rest and the built up pain has dissapaited a bit. Know that we do care about you.. Second thing I did when I woke up was come on here.. I hope your not feeling happier because thats ridiculous, but just calmer. All the best A_shoe_in