The thought of suicide has been on my mind at least weekly if not daily for the last 40 years. considering I was 13 when I had my first lame attempt to end things (I wrapped an extension cord around my neck and yanked. This was at school and all that happened is I passed out) I’ve had a couple other tries since. I guess I was not ready for those times either. In looking back at things I wonder what it is that I really want. It is not attention as I was alone and did not plan to be around or discovered by anyone the last two times. I am actually horrified of death. What I just want to do is disappear from the world and myself..
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I know how you feel. Attempts that have failed and wondering if I was really trying to do it or if survival is naturally hardwired and took over. What if failed attempts translate to a desire to live? Not a hire purpose, but something that instinctually tells us not to do it.
I don’t think failed attempts mean anything in particular. Right here on SP there were users who were very committed to ending their lives and they had failed attempts. That was long before I registered, back when people were freely discussing methods, but their posts are still here, and at least 2 of them were identified and their obits are online. For *some* people, a failed attempt might represent a latent desire to live, or a cry for help. Other times, it’s simply a failed attempt.