I was so stupid. How could I have possibly thought that I was capable of true happiness?
I was doing so well. For about a year, I fell into and out of deep fits of depression. I attempted to take my life twice and no one even noticed. Even the doctors thought it was all accidental….but then, I just stopped caring all together. I figured that the depth of my state would eventually kill me off. I was no longer concerned with living or dying. If there were ever a limbo for humans, I’d entered it. At some point in my state of limbo, a wonderful man started to speak with me. It wasn’t a rescue mission or anything like that. I wasn’t a lost puppy trying to survive. He came along and filled my life with a small light of hope. Time went by and our conversations grew longer and more in depth, I found myself starting to climb out of the trench that I’d dug.
Eventually, I found myself sitting [metaphorically, of course] on top of the trench; encased in the soft sweet smelling grass and best of all, the sunlight. I thought i’d found happiness and my way back to the light. As the time went on, I found myself taking better care of my safety. I no longer was rushing to die. After four months of “talking” and a month of official dating, I found myself feeling that warmth radiating inside me. I found myself going to sleep and waking up smiling and repeating “I love you” to myself…over and over and over.
I posted it on the anonymous app Yik Yak because I needed to tell someone but I wasn’t ready or able to tell him. Well…I did something stupid. I included a little too much in my post and he was very suspicious that it was me. After having the worst panic attack of my life, I responded to his text saying, “What is that?” and the conversation played out to where I couldn’t tell him the truth. He told me that he was freaked out and concerned because he thought it was me and he didn’t feel the same way…at least, not yet. Things woud have been “incredibly awkward and I don’t know what we would have done.”
I’m crushed….and conflicted. I cannot tell him the truth…not yet. I wasn’t ready to tell him but he found out. He saved me from myself and the possibility of him leaving just scared the living hell out of me. I realize how stupid and petty this sounds. “You’ve dated and known him for just a few months.” Yeah, I know. But if you knew me….you really knew me…you’d understand why this is such a huge deal. I don’t love. I don’t date. I go about my life because the only person who is responsible for my life is me. Even that sounds whiny and melodramatic but it’s hard to explain every thought and feeling you’ve had for the past 25 years of life.
I thought he was my “Knight in shining armor” and now I feel like my knight has been scared off by the big scary dragon. Perhaps our relationship was doomed from the beginning. He’s a devout Catholic and i’m a devout Atheist.
I feel like the cliche where my entire world has come crashing down and my knight has kicked me back to tumble back into my hole. No one wants a broken princess…