Days go by.

The railing looked so easy to smash my car is heaver then it can hold. These were the thoughts traveling through my head today as I skipped college classes to “run away fro my feelings” . This morning I found out my ex boyfriend already has a new boyfriend. he is thin pretty and motivated. I am none of these. I loved him for the two years we had so deeply only to be tossed asside when out of comfort with him i gained weight and just relaxed. He wanted to break up so badly but he wouldnt be “the bad guy” he would sit me down and have talks about how “maybe we arnt right for eachother” In the end he waited untill he broke me. For me to be the one to seperate us. He made my heart bleed untill i released him. Im pathetic thinking someone could love me. My dad didnt when he called me a ******. my mom didnt when she layed in bed for days so distraught that somthing like “gay” would happen to her son. I havnt left my room for months except to go to school and feed my lard ass. I was waiting for him to remember he loved me. I was waiting for the pain to stop. But now all that is going through me is…it can stop…i can stop it. For once i have power over the suffering. I pushed a needle through my arm and it didnt even phase me at this point. my insides are cold and barren. I dont know why i write this. Why i looked at the suicide preventions number. The world feels so seperate from me. I could call this number and a person Ive never met could pretend to care long enough for me to return to my body. I supose i sound dramatic and “oh poor fagot he lost his boyfriend boohoo”. I lost my heart,my love and the only person ive ever trusted in my 23 years on this rock. I lost my insparation my hopes and dreams and the one person i could relly on to hold me and tell me the world was ok. My light it gone and I have no intention of relighting it. Though if i have my way I will not be here much longer I hope that those out there who read this can find light in my despair If you can find someone to reach out for and grab onto never let them go. Heal and let the love and emotions flow back in. Dont choke back your life with resentment and fear. Reach out and grab life before its gone. I bid you all farewell and good luck and hope the heavens have a brighter place for you then they have waiting for me.