Feeling depressed again – just wrote what was on my mind

It’s been awhile. Honestly I try to avoid this site whenever I start feeling better, because while this support group is really amazing and it’s the only place I can be honest and completely open up, it’s also depressing. But here I am again. I guess the thing about depression is that it gets better and it gets worse but it never really goes away.

Like most people here I have depression, but for about 4 years now I’ve been hiding it. I told my mom once and she said – ‘Do you even know what depression is?’ and then she dismissed it and never mentioned it again, now this probably makes her sound like a really horrible person, but she’s not, she loves me she just didn’t understand and didn’t handle the situation properly. The thing is that I want help, but I don’t know how to ask for it nor how to accept it.

I’ve been thinking about suicide again. I really, really hope this is just a temporary relapse and it will only last a few days and then I’ll be okay again but I doubt it is. My grades have been getting worse, I’ve been feeling down more and more and now honestly I could just end it. Death doesn’t scare me. But I’m not going to do it now, I’m not that depressed to actually go through with it. I’ve been that depressed before and this isn’t it.