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Getting older and growing bitter

by 10 Nil

Reminiscing feels unhealthy. I am taxed with the question, “When will you settle down, get a wife, and have kids?”

I do not want kids… I do not want marriage. Why should I want these things when I do not believe in love anymore. The thought is beyond exhausting. I had always believed in giving someone all of my heart when in a “committed” relationship. Despite good intentions, best efforts, and more than several long term tries – it seems all I earned was heart ache;

• Incompatibility

• Incomprehension

• Infidelity

• Insincere Involvement

All that I am left with is • introspection… it must be me. My fault. It cannot be all of them.

All attempts have failed. My mid 20s are nearly gone. I would like to believe that I aged well. I am certainly better looking than my early 20s and teens. I have never been unattractive. Money, I have been with and without. I have always been considered intelligent. In all academic ventures, I scored well. Why does my life only get harder; My relationships decay faster. I do not have the energy to keep meeting, and relearning new people. What is the point in marriage if someday she may change, lie, or leave… perhaps I will change. My heart is too fragile. I have written her (1) songs, and her poems (5). I moved across the country for her (2). I did everything for her (1,2,5). I did less for her (4). I tried doing the opposite for her (3). All the short-lived trysts in-between. Perhaps I try too much. It is easier to accept quiet isolation than it is love.

If my voiced views on love are so unacceptable, then how less welcomed would my views on my existence be received. I am destined to be alone, unheard, if only for a short while more – this is okay with me.

Reminiscing is unhealthy; Mind scars and phantom wounds. My sharp memory has been more of a curse than a blessing. If only alcohol truly helped me forget. The irony will be if Alzheimer’s is hereditary. In hindsight, maybe that existence would not be so terrible.

:3

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3 comments

Zed86 2/1/2015 - 3:41 am

I don’t know if you’ll read this, but I can empathize. I’m in a similar place. I can’t offer anything to fix life, ’cause I’m certainly not an expert, but I can tell you that I understand. Time passes, life changes. Good luck, brother.

Randall 2/1/2015 - 4:16 am

What Zed86 said. What you wrote is probably what 98% of the planet is experiencing. Saying or knowing that doesn’t help though. So, all anyone can say is, Good luck, brother. Welcome to the funny farm where nothing is as it seems, all hope turns to lies and illusion, love is a game best played alone in the bathroom with your right hand and the best you can hope for is a painless exit.

10 Nil 2/1/2015 - 5:05 am

These comments made me smirk – Thank you.

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