I’m so tired of this world and everything in it… I’m 36 years old, my mom has paranoid schizophraenia, my youngest brother was adopted out of my family due to that, my dad tried to kill me when I was young, I was molested for almost 8 years, and these are all of the things I have learned to accept.
No matter what I do in life, I feel like I am constantly starting over and constantly getting shit on. I give up everything I know, in my country and in my life, to move from the states to the UK to be with my wife (to help take care of her sick father). I become really close with all of them, and come to find out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 2 months with someone from work. All attempts to work things out are met with “we’re done, move out”, “the sooner you realize we’re over and you get your shit out, the better”, ” you don’t belong here, I don’t love you anymore”, blah, blah, blah. I could go on and on about the way I’ve been made to feel, being laughed at when ‘her’ friends aren’t available for me to hang out with, not leaving the house (or even going outside) for days on end, being made to feel like I’m a worthless piece of crap, but then I get blamed for 100% of everything. I’m just tired of it all.
Now I’m stuck in a foreign country with no friends or family (other than hers), I’ve given up 99% of my friends back home – so other than a job which I somehow managed to keep, I have nothing to go back for.
Nothing to go back for and nothing to stay here for. I’ve got nothing left in this world and just want to leave this fucking place. Everytime I think I’m getting ahead in life, I feel like there’s some invisible force pushing me back down and I’m sick of it. I used to think I was the most resilient SOB on this planet, now I’m just tired of ‘coming back’.
I just want to end it all in a painless, quick way but can’t even find out how to do that properly (I don’t want to go out with some goofy exit bag over my head). ******** is apparently more valuable than a blood diamond. Can’t get a gun in this country. White bane – yeah, if I want to wait until summer for it to bloom. I just want to leave.
Sorry for the rant.
14 comments
I’m also tired of having to down a half bottle of night nurse every night just to get to sleep. I hate this world. I will figure out a way to get out of here. I need to as well. Wonder if she would care if she walked in on my lifeless body. I doubt it. but at least gives me some comfort thinking she would be slightly upset.
Goodnight (unfortunately not forever)
Don’t be sorry for the rant. Its why the site is here. Sorry you are going through such a tough time. Sounds like another start over but maybe this time is the good one. Hang in there. If you need to talk we could email.
And ignore the user above me…stuckwiththisname. He is the resident asshole here. Every forum has a troll and sadly this jerk is ours.
Same here , i hate my life and wish i was dead, my wife is a piece of shit, i hate her and am only sticking witth her because of the baby . Im soooo sorry i had a baby with her , if i could go back in time and change things i would. I find myself sacrificeing my happiness for the baby because i want him to have a better life than mine.
I am so sorry you are feeling this too. I often want to leave this world. I am older than you and am alone. It is horrible. But you have to hold on somehow. Life is always changing… maybe with your experience, you’d say the wrong way. 🙁
But you are the most important person in your life. You have to take care of you… find ways to be kind to yourself, to distract yourself from your pains- when you can’t get rid of them.
I have to do this too. I have to go reserves inside of me deeper than I ever knew was there.
I hope you have a restful night and feel better tomorrow!
Yeah, easier said than done. I do appreciate your kind words, but wish I could get them from the one person who’s supposed to have my back (my wife). It’s not just her that’s the issue.. It’s my whole life. I feel cursed. I have felt this way since I was young. Every time I make progress in my life, things start looking my way – I just get knocked down, harder and harder than before. I’m tired of it.
Every day I go through waves of emotions. I wake up feeling… “Ok, I can do this… I can move on with my life, pick myself up, dust myself off. things will be fine”. Yet I sit there all day (at my now obviously temporary home in a foreign place), and it’s non-stop panic/anxiety. An empty feeling my my stomach, chest, shortness of breath. I can’t focus on anything, but am focusing on everything at the same time.
It makes it INCREDIBLY difficult at work as I am supposed to be leading an entire team. I feel like the last 36 years have been a waste and I have made 0 progress. Hell, if I do make it to moving back to the states, I won’t even have a bed for I don’t know how long, my credit is effed now because of the way I blindly followed my wife to the UK, and no more than 30 minutes ago, my most promising prospect for a new home was filled by another tenant.
All I have is my work (which I actually love), but I can’t even do that right anymore. Been sitting her reading about exit bags and the more I think about it, the more I’m just not caring since I won’t be around to see what I look like after I’m gone. Seens a damn sight better than blowing my head off – less messy. I just hate it here.
Thank you again for the kind words.
I suggest poppy seed tea. Order a 5 lb bag of poppy seeds off amazon and get a milk jug fill with warm water add seeds and a good splash of lemon juice. Shake for 10 minutes and then strain with coffee filter. Poppy seeds have resuide from the inside of the poppy plant most of this being morphine and codiene. Plus 20+ other opiates. 30 dollar suicide here I come. Tastes like shit the stronger the taste the more morphine. Mix this half and half with citrus soda pop a couple allergy pills and teylonal which both up the effects. One glass will have you nodding off. Mix well it settles to the bottom. More than that and you pass out. Do a good amount and it’ll kill you for sure not a bad way to go. Should be yellowish color. This is addictive BTW ..
And this is completely painless? I need to read up on this tonight. Luckily, they sell cocodomal over the counter here which has codeine in it. I even have the effervescent tablets lol. I need to look up lethal doses of that as well but looks like I have a fun night coming up if I can get the poppy and convince myself this is a painless way to go.
Thanks for the tip!
I’m feeling a little better tonight. Had my angry music cranked all night while I began to pack my stuff (disturbed, godsmack, cee-lo/fuck you, tantric). Just trying not to think about the challenges that lie in front of me. I didn’t think I would be starting my life over from a suitcase at this point in my life – especially with the great job I have.
I really don’t know what I will do at this point. I just feel like I have nobody to talk to and it hurts deeply. Like there’s a knife constantly in my chest and stomach, both turning slowly at the same time, 24 hours a day.
I guess this would be considered a good day for me.
Time to take the night nurse, ffs…
Wow!! I am out of words
“I don’t want to go out with some goofy exit bag over my head”
I had to laugh 🙂
Believe it or not, you are *NOT* alone on this one!
I feel you. Are you still around?
I feel your pain, dude. My life’s like a roller coaster ride: poor, pulled myself up by the bootstraps, met someone I thought was a good fit, built wealth… and then she decided that she really wanted to marry some guy she knew from twenty years before, stole my life savings, took my daughters across the country, let him steal my money from her in the span of three years, came back again to take the other half of what was left of my savings, became homeless, yada, yada.
I’m better now. Sometimes you have to really hit rock bottom to learn how the game works. I can say that I’m happy today; I don’t attach emotions to things outside of my control. Who my ex is seeing is not on my radar, nor is whether she’s alive or dead for that matter. I decide where I live and with whom I associate. I’m in control of me.
I’m 61 and remember praying (back when I believed) that either my mother or would die in her sleep. They took me away, finally, when she tried to kill me. I spent 2 weeks and had my 12 bd in the hospital. My son’s father was a severely physical abuser and it took buying a gun to keep him from breaking down any more doors and getting to me. I began counseling after a few years of trying to cope I was still in counseling up till about 6 or 7 years ago, my diagnoses includes major depressive disorder severe, ptsd,
and a bunch of other small crap. I have been to numerous psych doctors but all they do is prescribe useless pills. My one real son will not speak to me, my other “kids” who practically grew up in my living room. They were my other kids. I loved all of them as my own. Four of the kids are in prison and of those not incarcerated 3 were shot and killed. One kid (now they’re grown men) was the only one of them that NEVER failed to stop by and wish me happy mothers day. He was shot outside a club her in Canton Ohio. I no longer have ANY friends because I see the meanness and pettiness in them. I do not drive, my roomate (who I cosigned for and put down $2000 for a car that he has often said that I was “not getting in HIS car” and I just realized that he was scamming me all these years. So, never let anyone tell you depression is ‘just a phase’ or ‘it will pass’. I cry every day of my life . Serendipity is active tonight as I may have found an easier way to go on your site. I am sure you are asking why I haven’t killed myself yet–it is simply not to be one of those people who tried to die and didn’t. My back up plan is to take my revenge and I will surely have my life taken then. I am crying now, I was crying an hour ago, and 3 or 4 hours ago, and of course when I wake up — I start to cry as soon as I realize I’m still here. No exaggeration, I have cried for over 40 years. It’s time to go. If there is someone who needs to talk in my area, I would gladly refer myself. I have helped so many people over my lifetime and hundreds of stray animals so I am a hardwired giver.