I have a job as a seasonal tax preparer. It’s not great, but it’s a step into the accounting field. I’ve started this semester with an unprecedented 3.86 GPA. I’ve never had higher than maybe a 3.20 in my almost 34 years of life before this.
And I’m empty. Broken. There’s a highly specifically shaped hole in my heart and in my life. A life that is falling apart around the edges. The check I postdated to pay for one textbook will bounce. I can’t pay for the other at all. There is no more help from financial aid, and no credit card company will touch me. And I’m drowning all the while in that emptiness. I really am impossible. Impossible to love, impossible to succeed, impossible at everything.
I wish I could just kill the part of me that feels. I wish I could just go through life working and making money and functioning and not feeling anything. People forget that it’s not just anger/fear/sadness that people with Borderline feel far too deeply. It’s all of them. There’s a reason it should be more accurately named Emotional Dysregulation Disorder. How horribly not funny it is that the ice cold heart I’ve been accused of having/not having is the largest source of my pain now. I wish I could back six years and never meet this person. I wasn’t supposed to be capable of falling…
I wonder what would happen if I just wandered off onto a little secluded, wooded area of the nearby nature trail tonight, stripped down to a shorts and t-shirt, and just fell asleep. It’s the middle of winter here. Couldn’t take but long if I wasn’t awake, could it? And I would never have feel again.
1 comment
I often wonder that too. There is something comforting and peaceful about being surrounded by trees. Dying from exposure would probably take a while unless it was especially cold though.
Can I ask you to talk a little more about what you mean by “Borderline”? I often feel like everything affects me so deeply too. It’s not so much anger as mostly sadness and fear (though I usually think of it as worrying, but worrying is a form of fear I suppose). It’s like that empty feeling inside pulls emotions in so quickly to try to fill up the void but it comes in so fast to sort it and the chaos of it all results in this festering decay that only makes it more hollow. And the shell around it all just slowly cracks and crumbles…
Sigh…
I really hope you feel a little stronger since you posted this. May the 3.86 you achieved be a sign to you that you are climbing, not falling. It’s always harder to climb because you have to try. And because things are harder for you, you have had to carry all that emptiness with you.. One wouldn’t think emptiness would weigh so much but it does. Still, even with that, you found a way to climb a little. I’m glad you were able to do that.
Take care.