My Story: Part 1

Hi.

I’ve been going to this site for the longest time; reading the stories of other people, and I’ve been wanting to post for the longest time, but wasn’t able to. But now I have decided that I should. Because I feel so desperate.

I feel like I should tell you all a little bit of myself, so: I’m not comfortable telling you my real name (at least, right now); but I guess you can call me by my username or “Cheeky”. I’ve just turned 23 last December. I’m a guy. And — well. I am suicidal.

That’s all the information I feel comfy sharing at the moment. But we’ll see if I can share some more later on.

I know it says in the site that I shouldn’t expect anyone to intervene or help me or anything. I just want to somehow talk to someone. To have someone listen to me.

Well, the title of my post says “My Story” so I guess I should get start telling you what my story is.

Back when I was in highschool (I think I was 16 at the time), I had two bestfriends. Dexter and Syke (not their real names). Dexter is a guy, and Syke is a girl. Long story short: one day, I found myself having the biggest crush on Syke, and I was so afraid because she’s my bestfriend. I was so afraid on falling for her because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship (as cliche as it sounds). I tried my hardest to not like her, but the more I fought, the stronger my feelings for her grew, and — eventually, I fell in love with her.

I told no one about it except for Dexter. Now, Dexter. I loved him as a brother. I never trusted anyone more than I trusted Dexter because he’s like a brother to me. When he first found out about it, he was really supportive. He told me that he had my blessing, that he’d support me, he’ll help me and Syke get closer and such.

There was even one time when one friend of ours escorted Syke back to her classroom, and I got so jealous; because I couldn’t bear the thought of Syke being in a relationship with someone else. I told Dexter about this, and he told me that he was so glad that he didn’t like Syke. Because of that, I trusted Dexter even more, and was comfortable with him being around Syke.

Fast forward to the summer of 2008, we’ve all graduated from highschool. I’ve gathered enough courage to confess to Syke. She just couldn’t believe it, and was unable to give me an answer. But she seemed happy at the time, so I was happy. That’s when Dexter laid the news on me.

Turns out, all this time; Dexter and Syke were dating, and Dexter kept it a secret. At first, I tried being happy for them. I really did. But eventually, the feeling and thought of being betrayed and lied to got to me. I trusted him. He knows how I felt about Syke, and still he lied and kept this a secret to me.

Eventually, Dexter and I stopped talking to one another. Things got awkward in our circle friends. Our other friends got dragged into our fight. To make matters worse, Dexter and I went to the same college. Syke would constantly beg for me to forgive Dexter, but I just couldn’t.

Because of our fight (and getting bullied), I decided to transfer to a different college. Syke then told me that Dexter broke up with her just so we could all be friends again. Being the bitter guy that I was, I still couldn’t find it in my heart to forgive him. But I saw this as an opportunity to date Syke again.

To spare you all the pointless details: Syke rejected me in the end. Because she was deeply saddened by our fight and just can’t date any one of us now. After all that has happened.

Looking back; I understand her.

I was just hurt. Badly. While I was waiting for the semester to start in my brand new school, I resorted to self-harm as an outlet. I would constantly punch the wall ’til my knuckles would bleed. I’d repeatedly hit myself in the head with a belt buckle until my hair was sticky with blood; hoping that I’d hit myself hard enough that I’d slip into a coma.

I wanted to die.

I was betrayed by someone whom I considered to be my brother, I was rejected by someone I fell in-love with (two of my best of friends). I was constantly getting bullied since the 5th grade (forgot to mention that) even until college. My situation at home isn’t any better. Some of my relatives used to beat me up. I had no one to turn to.

I felt like shit. And I wanted to die.

But despite all that, I thought to myself that maybe I should stick around. That maybe things would change. Because, who knows, right? It’s a brand new semester in a brand new school. I could have a fresh start.

So stuck around I did.

January 12, 2009 — my first day in my brand new school.

It was actually really nice. The people in my school are just wonderful. They’re all oh so nice, open-minded. No bullies whatsoever. I could connect with the people around me, and they can cope up with my weirdness. It all felt really great.

Again, I was so happy.

Until I met this one girl.

But that’s for the second part of my story.

I’ll just post whenever (maybe after I get some sleep).

If you read my post entirely; then I’m really happy that you read it/listened to me. I really appreciate it.