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November 19th, 2014.

by lostsoulblanklife

November 19th, 2014 was my first suicide attempt. I’ve been suicidal ever since 1st grade. I’ve been suffering for 10 motherfucking years.

November 19th, was the day. Right before school, I ran up to my parents’ bathroom. I was about to brush my teeth, when it hit me. I looked to my left. There it was. The cabinet door was open. Full of pills. In the moment, I wasn’t thinking. They were right there. Uselessly sitting there. I slowly crept over to the cabinet. Looked at which bottle had more pills. Of course I wasn’t thinking of the details, what they were, what they could do to me. I took the jar of pills that I later found out were my mother’s anti-depressants. I took 6, thinking that would do the job. It didn’t. Didn’t do anything but make me feel clammy. My father drove my brother and I to school. I was fucking terrified. I really thought about how important my life was, and that it could be over in a matter of time. I went straight to my guidance councillor, told her what happened. She called my father, who drove me to the ER. They asked me all sorts of questions, some questions I didn’t know what the meaning was.

They brought me to one of the rooms, made me get into a gown, and put an IV in my arm. A few hours or minutes in, I really do not remember, they made me drink some charcoal so I could puke. Get all of the pills out of my stomach. It was horrible, the feeling of puking, having to be self-conscious because the doctor was watching as well as my father. The total amount of hours I was in there was 8, which was extremely uninteresting.

Few months later, I’m still thinking about doing it again. I always tell everyone I’m alright, that I’d never do it again. But, to be honest, I do not trust myself. I never know what will happen.

Thank you for reading this, I really do appreciate it.

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1 comment

Lsari 1/25/2015 - 1:27 pm

I don’t think those 6 pills would of done anything to you besides making you feel like crap.
The thought of suicide never strays far from my mind. You are still in school. School sucks, university sucks, life after university sucks. I am busy in the latter process and can tell you, life changes a lot through these different trials but absolutely nothing good will ever come if you don’t make it happen. I didn’t make shit happen besides go through the aforementioned trials and now I am left in serious a predicament, one where I have no job, no friends & no life. The only thing I have is a family who despises me.

They say the advice of a hypocrite is the best kind. With that in mind, I’ll tell you to do some things that I never did:
1. Make friends. To me, it seems that if you never make friends through school, you’ll never seem to make them any where else. I don’t know to do so but good luck!

2. Plan for your future. Don’t just wallow in the pit of endless depression, nothing but death lies there. Up your grades for future degree prospects, make sure you get a good internship at a place you’d like to work, etc….

That is it for my hypocritical advice 🙂
This last one, I believe to be quite serious. To be honest, it probably isn’t iron clad but to me it is absolute: DON’T EVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT YOUR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR MANIC DEPRESSIVE BEHAVIOR! That is more for my self, I’m not saying you suffer the same curse as I but I hope you get the gist of what I am trying to say. People will treat you ‘differently’ with that knowledge, I.E. sub-human.

Well, with that out of the way, you still have quite the journey on your hands. For moral support I recommend Anime. Manga, Books, Visual Novels and of course Music & Games.
If you want any recommendations, I could make a few but I don’t know how to chat with you beyond replying to one of your posts 🙁

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