I truly do not understand the point of my life.. for a long time now I haven’t been able to picture a future. Like I don’t have one, like I’m meant to die young. But I just recently found out that that is actually a symptom of my ptsd. Which was kind of disappointing because it doesn’t change the fact that I still don’t see my living past a few years and honestly I’d rather not. I don’t want to live anymore. I’ve been feeling like that for years and the more time goes on the more intense it feels. I do not see a reason why I’m alive. It makes no sense to me. Where is the logic?? It’s pointless, my life. I don’t want it anymore. Emotionally, logically, mentally, physically etc. I don’t get it.
She hasn’t text me back yet..
11 comments
How long ago did you text your mother? Is it possible she is doing something that is keeping her too occupied to check her phone? If she isn’t there for you, the people on this forum can be. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Not sure if I replied correctly..
She ended up texting me back an hour later (an hour ago). But after I text her back she didn’t reply. Sometimes the best time for me to reach her is at night. She doesn’t really do anything that keeps her occupied. She’s rarely even allowed to go anywhere because of my “step father”.
My relationship with my mother is probably petty strange. When I was very young, up to about 5years old, my mother was an angel to me. She was THE mother everyone would want. Then “he” came around and she gradually turned into a monster. She did and said really horrible things to me all day every day. All the while, “he” was doing his own abuse on me every night. This lasted until I was 14 and able to leave home. After leaving, she was back to being my mom like nothing ever happened. She talks to me like she did before “him” and she’s constantly talking about being a shitty mom to ask five of her kids(I’m the oldest and the only one with a different dad). Never referring to abuse though (I’m the only one that received it), simply referring to not being able to give any of us a better life. My life right now is horrible with the situation I’m in.
I think the reason I feel so much love towards my mother, regardless of anything she did or said (and the things she said where sometimes worse than anything), is because I know it was never really her doing it. If that makes any sense. Although sometimes I do feel resentment and it hurts.
Thank you so much though. Your comment really made me feel good. This is my first post ever. I JUST found this site tonight after googling “why can’t I see a future for myself”. I’m glad I found this place and I appreciate your words so much. Thank you again.
That does sound like quite a horrible situation to be in. I was in a similar environment growing up. I won’t pretend to know exactly what you are going through because each situation is unique to everyone. What helped me is when I had an epiphany and realized that my mother would never be there for me the way I wanted her to be.
I like to think of all of my relationships, friends, family, etc, as a support network. I tell my closest friends almost everything; my mom and brother very little. I only give them the parts of me that I know they can support in the way I need them to. This was the hardest thing for me to learn. I spread out my, what I’ll call for lack of a better word right now, troubles between my friends mostly. This allows me to vent without overwhelming either of them.
Your mom might be trying to process what you texted her before she responds. The reason I say that is common knowledge states a parent’s worst nightmare is to have to bury their child. She might be trying to figure out how to respond to you without making things worse for you. Hopefully she will respond soon and an open dialog can begin. Be prepared for her to be over emotional due to worry for you. She will want to do all she can to help you i would imagine. Try to relax and know she loves you and will respond when she can.
Hope this helps a little
Yeah, I guess that’s possible. Even though she used to treat me the way she did, she now is always expressing how bad she feels for not being a better mother. I don’t tell her things like that to make her feel bad, although it probably does make her feel bad but I think she knows I’m telling her things like that because I trust her. I don’t really have any one in my life. Definitely no family.
Thank you for your comment. It does help and I really appreciate it.
At the beginning of the text, say “mom I’m venting my feelings right now and I need you”, then say what you need to. That way she knows ahead of things you’re needing a shoulder and nothing more.
I’m sure you don’t tell her she’s a bad mother etc, I’m just saying if you express to her you’re venting ten she may approach the conversation in a different way. I hope that makes sense.
I mistakenly didn’t use the “reply” button but I replied. Thanks for talking to me by the way. I appreciate it.
Yeah that makes plenty of sense. I actually did do that a couple days ago, I don’t usually do it but I don’t vent to her like that too often. I was just feeling extremely weighed donwn and needed to get something out. My text was:
Can I tell you something without making you feel bad or guilty or anything? It’s just about me and I just feel like you’re the only one I can trust without turning it into some big ordeal or treating me a certain way.
She didn’t text me back until the next morning/afternoon but of course she said yeah. But I didn’t say anything until tonight. And I know that’s not what you’re saying and no, I would never say anything like that to her. I know she feels bad enough already. She’s always saying it and I’m always reassuring her that she’s loved very much and that I don’t hold anything from the past against her and that i know all those years she wasn’t herself.
Your mother may not be the best person to talk to about what you are going through. I opened up to my mother not too long ago and she was unable to realize the depth of what was happening; therefore she was unable to respond how I WANTED her to.
How are you feeling today