The World is Amazing, I just don’t belong

Every day of my life I think about suicide, even just in passing. I hear people talk about it as if the know a damn thing about how it feels to prefer the inky blackness of the nothing that comes after death over life. I have one person in this world that keeps me going and some days she’s what gets me up in the morning. I can’t be certain I deserve this fate or that I don’t deserve it, but I am aware that I have no choice in the matter. I’ll explain why I’m here in the first place though, I am an addict. Any guesses on my addiction? Alcoholic, stoner, sex, gambler? Well if you guessed any of the above you are so very wrong. I’m addicted to pornography, before anyone says that you can’t become addicted to pornography, know that it does put chemicals into you, and they are addictive. I couldn’t tell you why I originally became interested in porn, but I can tell you that I battle with it every day. It even fucks up my happy pills by changing the levels of melatonin and dopamine in my system as all addictions do, that’s why people on antidepressants shouldn’t take drugs because it screws with your chemical balance. Let me explain, dopamine and melatonin are just two of the “feel good” chemicals inside of all of us, we generally have a normal balance of these chemicals, which keeps us sane, but some of us have drops in these chemicals causing depression and/or suicide. Drugs or pleasurable activities make the level of these chemicals in our brains spike, which is okay, but excess spiking leads to a dependence on the activity or drug to produce the chemicals we need. Sorry if this was a little brainy for you and makes this a less interesting read, but I wanted to explain the things that happen to us because some of you may not understand what’s happening or why. Trust me, this addiction has killed me inside, but not because it’s cost me money, family, or friends. No it’s because my own morale compass made me rip my head apart about it, but we can’t blame that alone, I also have minor OCD, which caused me to focus on this subject until it drove to depression. Now, I’ve been successfully clean for almost a month but I still have depression. I know that I can’t expect to be feeling better after only a month, but I’m worse than I was beforehand. It scares the hell out of me when I’m just laying in my bed and all of the sudden I want to go to the medicine cabinet and swallow every last bottle in there.. I don’t know why I feel this way, I feel like it has something to do with being off for the holidays, because it leaves my mind with nothing to think about, and it naturally wanders there to neuro pathways already installed in my head. I’m no psychiatrist good folks of the internet, but I understand this hell pretty damn well at this point, and I consider myself the only person in this whole town that understands it. I just had to get this all out somehow, and it seemed to make sense to come to a community which has helped so many so much already. I don’t know what I’d do without this site.
Signing off,
A confused 14 year old.