When I say I hate you it’s because it’s “too soon” to say I love you

I tell you I hate you every time I feel like saying I love you. I never want to seem crazy but I feel crazy crazy that once again I have failed feeling too much over a course of months. My father said love was a myth for the fools. How mythical of me to fall in love with a fool. Poor little fool who can’t seem to love me. If only he had the ability to feel what I feel how I feel it we’d be able to prove daddy wrong.  So instead I say the second strongest word I feel hate because I hate how I can’t say love. I tell you I hate you then you tell me not to hate you but all I can say is “oh but I do.” As a child I told myself never to give up on love no matter how bad my perception of marriage was I told myself somewhere else some way I would get magic. I would feel the magic , live the magic. But as I get older, wiser, I start realizing that for some people it just doesn’t happen and even though they don’t feel the magic they receive at least once in there life a brief encounter with what the magic could have been. And I know you are my encounter I might not have gotten the fairy tale I might not have ever endured great love but I sent out the only pure love in me that remained and gave it to you. We don’t always get the dream but we get awfully close. But I suppose happy endings are for happy people and I can’t be happy for the both of us. But for as long as possibly can I will continue to say I hate you. Until I’ve made you believe it. Let me be fortunate enough to believe it.