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Will It Be Tonight?

by moonlitrose34

I’m still debating. If  I want to go through with it or not. I’ve been thinking about it all morning, all night, these past few days and the different ways to go about it. What are the easiest ways, the painful, the painless, the long, etc. Actually if I go through with it, I don’t mind if I survive. I’m the kind of person who while (at least until now) I haven’t tried to commit suicide deliberately, I don’t care if it happens when trying to injure myself (aka I’m trying to hurt myself really badly not die, but if I die in the process it doesn’t really matter, but suicide was not my original goal, like for example falling down the stairs, which I’ve been able to bring myself to deliberately do).

I don’t know. I just don’t want to go on anymore. I can’t take it. I’m sad, I’m depressed. I feel hopeless. I feel guilty. I feel like I’m bad for feeling this way. Why can’t everything just disappear? Will it be better if I just disappear? Would my misery and pain finally end? I hate inflicting pain and hurting others, but I’ve already suffered long enough. Can’t I think about myself for once? I’m tired of always thinking about others. I just want an end to my sorrow.

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LittleBead 1/4/2015 - 3:46 pm

Hi there, Moon.
I am a person who tried to commit suicide in December, almost exactly one month ago. I felt just like you feel right now – sad, hopeless, depressed and, indeed, I lived in a nightmare inside my head. I saw my only exit gate in departing from the world. In my case it is thought to have been an impulse, because it happened directly afterwards my boyfriend had left me, though, I dunno. I had been considering the suicide since April and I was pretty obsessed with it. In the last weeks before my attempt I had been thinking only about being dead. How sweet it looked to me! To feel nothing… My unsuccessful attempt brought me to psychiatric hospital for two weeks what wasn’t so bad as one could have thought. It helped me a lot, I got proper treatment and peace I needed the most. Now I am almost fine, I say – almost, because no one ever knows what will be the other day. It’s like two sides of coin that someone draws for me everyday, ha. Would you like to think of going to psych ward on your own rules? It may help you and save your life. If you’d like to talk to me, there’s my mail: vorkonzert (at) gmail . com and Skype: hyouriko
suicideproject . org / author / koralik / -> you will find my posts here, locked with the password (nyan123). Maybe you will find something useful for yourself.

moonlitrose34 1/4/2015 - 8:19 pm

Thank you so much, your words mean a lot to me!
Honestly speaking, I hate hospitals. Whenever I’m in so much pain and I end up going to the emergency or my doctor, they can never figure out what’s wrong and tell me to just take pain meds and hopefully it’ll go away. I end up wasting my time. I think the same goes for the psych ward. I’ve been there once, when my first antidepressants caused me to hear voices. Literally after spending 5 hours, talking to I don’t even know how many people, they’re like ok you can go home, just stop taking your meds and you’ll be fine. It’s so frustrating, much less having to stay there. I can’t imagine it.
But if I get through tonight and tomorrow, I will email you! Thank you again.

LittleBead 1/4/2015 - 9:02 pm

Hearing voices – it’s different case. But if you go and tell them – I have suicidal thoughts, I guess that they’re obligated to make you stay there. With my bad taste of humor – it is this way: you will pay taxes one day, won’t you, so the country you live in can’t allow you to die. But seriously, jokes to the side – the visit there helped me a lot. It was 2 weeks long journey into my deepest needs – and I finally received the answer and found out a lot about myself. Not that I love hospitals, I do not, and I believe it is always better to stay home in cozy bed (with plush blanket <3), but if I had gone there earlier I'd not end up swallowing meds in bathroom because some shitty guy had left me. There are meds like olanzapine or tranxene or lorazepam your shrink may be afraid of prescribing you as their users tend to fall in addiction after short-time use, but they are highly successful in treatment of many mental illnesses. You will get them in hospital. For example, I hadn't been given olanzapine or tranxene for depersonalisation disorder that I suffered from before I was brought to psych ward, but when I was in psych ward, I was given them – and they really worked! I suffer from depersonalisation no longer. Pretty cool feeling, after 3 years – just to feel normal! I wish your case could be the same.

moonlitrose34 1/4/2015 - 9:58 pm

Yeah and I mean I was given the medication because I was having suicidal thoughts. And that same medication gave me the worst experience of my life. But I know if I had said I was feeling suicidal, they would have kept me there. I’m so terrified of going there though. And I guess if the voices weren’t caused by my medication (because the voices scared the shit out of me and were telling me to do horrible things to myself, and I could barely look in the mirror because it felt like I could see the voice that tormented me), they probably would have made me stay.

And I guess I’m afraid because of my family and friends. I don’t want them to know how hurt I am, how f***ed up I really am. I already feel guilty. I had to drop my semester last year, and I’m on the verge of doing that again (although I’m only taking one class). I was given another chance and I was doing amazing until I screwed it all up. But they don’t know that. They think I’m doing fine, I know how mad they will be if I tell them the truth. I can’t stand it.

And yeah with the meds…I originally took Celexa which I had a horrible reaction to, and from there my psychiatrist prescribed me lamictal and xanax, and later on prozac. Which probably isn’t the best idea. I already know that if you take way too much lamictal it can become lethal, you may end up in a coma. And since it has similar side affects as prozac, if I took them together…it’d probably be worse. And then the xanax on top of that (except I don’t have much, it probably wouldn’t make a difference).
I mean a lot of time overdose doesn’t work, but I guess if you take a shit ton of different meds, prescribed and non prescribed (and maybe even throw in alcohol in there), you could do a lot of damage to yourself. The only problem I have with that is that if you survive…well then you’re screwed.

I probably shouldn’t be allowed near my medication. Or any medication. Which is just as well in a hospital then because they will probably administer it to you.

bluerabbitheart 1/4/2015 - 4:19 pm

moonlitrose34,

I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain, and that I sincerely hope that you won’t go through with this. I read your other post as well, and you sound like a great person. I’m hopeless at giving advice, but if you’d like to talk, I’d be happy to listen… In any case, please stay safe! All the best.

moonlitrose34 1/4/2015 - 8:14 pm

Thank you, your words mean a lot.
At least for tonight, at least right in this moment as I’m typing this, I won’t go through with it. But that depends on how the rest of the night plays out. Hopefully I can make it through.

bluerabbitheart 1/4/2015 - 8:22 pm

moonlitrose34,

I’m very glad to hear that, and I really hope that won’t change over the course of the night. Good luck — and if there’s anything at all I can help with, please don’t hesitate to ask.

moonlitrose34 1/4/2015 - 8:40 pm

Thanks, same here! 🙂

krazykaze007 1/4/2015 - 7:22 pm

I feel the same way, depressed, weak, destroyed.. i wanna end my life too.. but it’s not easy moon. We can’t just kill ourselves.. we’re not meant too. It would only make everything worse.. all you can do is carry on.. and pray as things get better.

If it’s that bad.. how about you go travelling?? I mean like a year in australia or europe or thailand.. that’s what I am planning. Fuck it, instead of commiting suicide why not just take off for a year? I’M 31, yes I might be a little old to do so because il come back with nothing.. but maybe it will save my life. What do u think?

moonlitrose34 1/4/2015 - 8:12 pm

I hope so.

And I wish I could just up and go travelling. I love travelling. Except I don’t have the money for it right now, I’ll have to save up after getting a job. And I would love to take a year off, but the way my major works, I’ll end up in school for like 5 more years, I’ve already been in it for almost four years, and still have 2 more to go after next semester ends =/
And if I seriously have to stay that long AND do grad school after (Which is required for being an architect, which is what I want to be) I think I’d go crazy.
Otherwise, I think it’s an awesome idea.
Thank you.

LittleBead 1/5/2015 - 7:29 am

Well, you can’t overdose SSRI meds…and I was given Quetiapine and Venlafaxine and when they mixed I got so bad reaction that I ended up half-dead. Generally, a warning of hearing voices is often the information that is contained by leaflet of antipsychotic meds. And I know your pain, because day after day, from April, I fed myself with the thoughts about various variants of my death and I was pretty fascinated by menace I could receive…
I guess that I have already studied every way to get out, and believe me, the death comes only when you have a specific reaction to the active substance, e.g. I had bad reaction to 25mg of Seroquel and my heart hurt so I knew that if I would take 1500 I’d not, perhaps, survive. Mixing regular meds doesn’t sound good, you don’t want to kill your liver and kidney, do you?

You should go to hospital… It’s not so bad place as you could think, it is very safe place…the place where they can help you.
About meds, they have three hours of giving them, in the morning, after lunch and in the afternoon. You won’t get them 24/7 to your disposition. And family, well, my family was like what da hell have u done u crazy omg (no exaggeration) but it is probably better that I am here, alive, than in black bag in prosectorium? Probably yours will be the same, but why do you care? How long can you care about everyone but yourself? You need to get help or you will be dead if things keep going in your mind as they are going.

LittleBead 1/5/2015 - 7:31 am

Sorry for misplaced message, dat phone just suuuucks. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I have failed my semester because of being so depressed that unable to go anywhere + my visit in psych ward, ha. But damn, do you remember how normal life looks like? It is what, +-, I have now!

moonlitrose34 1/5/2015 - 11:49 am

Except that I was taking an SSRI medication not an anti-psychotic one, and I was literally on it for not even a week on an extremely low dose when I heard voices. My doctor was surprised because that’s a very very rare side effect. Which is why I was prescribed lamictal, which is anti-seizure. They wanted to avoid SSRI’s altogether. Except my feelings weren’t getting better, and they couldn’t increase my dosage on the lamictal because anymore, and I felt really dizzy (I’m already on a low dose), so I was prescribed Prozac. Only because apparently any bad reactions I should get from SSRI’s should be negated by lamictal. I guess I’m just really sensitive to depression medications, because I get effected by the lowest dose. So therefore I know if I took WAY WAY more than I’m supposed to, and if it’s not just one medication (because one medication will never do it) I could end up dying.

And I mean yeah, which is why I said you’re screwed if you survive. Because if you survive an overdose…well you’ve basically screwed up your liver and/or kidneys, and that would be extremely painful. I think that’s the only reason I haven’t done it yet, I know what a low chance of success there is, and well as much as I don’t care if I die, I cringe at the thought of my liver and kidney being all screwed up. And having to live through it. ugh

Everyone already knows I’m crazy haha. Maybe just not in that kind of way where I would think to kill myself.
And yeah, it’s probably better that you’re not in a black bag.
And I don’t know, I can’t help it. That’s all I’ve done my whole life. I’ve learned to hide my feelings because I’d be ridiculed for them when I was younger. I’ve learnt to care about and not hurt others, because honestly that’s something that hurts me the most.
And I guess you’re right. I should get help otherwise I’ll be gone soon.

And yeah I know…I miss how normal life used to be. I can’t even remember the last time it was like that.

But thank you, your words mean a lot <3

LittleBead 1/5/2015 - 4:03 pm

Ha, well, that explains a lot! SSRI meds have some non-explainable side effects. For example, after Escitalopram I got bruises. Beautiful bruises in the colors of rainbow. And hypomania. Why, I dunno. I am believed to suffer from borderline personality disorder though this hypomania after antidepressant gives the question mark to the diagnosis I was almost sure of.

I didn’t take any damage to my liver nor kidneys but I was lucky, perhaps God protects people who are soft in mind. But yea, some unsuccessful attempts and you’re handicapped to the end of your life…

I understand you perfectly. I cared very much not to hurt anyone, I was nice, tried to shut down my negative thoughts as I saw how they hurt my mum, especially my mum. But it’s a road to nowhere. You must force yourself to break the ice and go seek the help…I don’t want to see you suffer, or to die, I want nobody to… Don’t repeat my wrongs, if you’re already considering suicide you need to get help asap, we both know it won’t pass away itself.

I know that you didn’t manage with your project…but please, don’t give up. I thought that failing the year would be the end of my world but when I ended up in psych ward I realized it wouldn’t in fact. Maybe taking a year off will save your life. I can tell you many stories about my visit in psychiatric hospital and I hope it could encourage you a bit.

moonlitrose34 1/5/2015 - 4:21 pm

Yeah…I’m not really the biggest fan of SSRI’s. I will never ever forget that horrible experience. Have you ever seen spider-man? You know the seen where Norman Osborn looks in the mirror and sees himself except it’s the green goblin that talks back? I felt exactly like that O__o
And woah…that is the strangest reaction I’ve heard of. Were they really rainbow colored? And ugh, bpd sucks. I thought I had it for a while, because I certainly match the symptoms, but I was checked for bipolar disorder, and they said I didn’t have that, they didn’t really go that thorough in checking if I had bpd. So I don’t know, I may or may not have it.

I’m surprised I haven’t taken any damage to my liver or kidneys considering how many medications I wasn’t supposed to take I’ve taken.

That’s true, I guess if I care so much about others I’ll stop caring about myself, and I’ll stop taking care of myself. And even though there’s still some of me left, eventually there might be nothing left.

How was the hospital? How long did you stay there for? I honestly think at this point I should be there, because no one is my worst enemy besides myself. If I’m left alone, even if I do have coping methods, one way or another I might seriously injure and hurt myself. Talking to a therapist helps, medication helps, family and friends help, but it won’t stop me from being suicidal. I seriously just need protection from no one but myself.

LittleBead 1/5/2015 - 5:01 pm

Don’t you think it may not have been hearing voices but you had an obsession with self-harming? When you’re obsessed you may hear voices in your head that are in fact the mirror of your thoughts. I had once obsession with washing my hands when I heard the voices ordering me to wash them and get rid of bacteria. Then I was obsessed with death. Pretty weird.
Ha! They ARE like real rainbow! I am partially proud of my new self-image as I was always considered as cute girl when now I am a bloody street fighter! =D Well, as I said, I am believed to have because I haven’t got any real diagnosis, because I am too young and there’s almost 100% sureness that the therapy will work on me.

Darling, don’t take medications if you don’t need them. Harming yourself isn’t the way =( I liked to be high after tranxene or olanzapine but gosh, that’s just bad. Oh you. I feel so sorry for you. Huuuuug. =(

Can you afford yourself for such feelings of compassion? Think about it. If you’re like me, at the low point, you must stop feeling it. You’re too weak for compassion for the others. It’s great that you care, but isn’t it killing you somehow?

Well…the hospital building was horrible, ha! Probably hadn’t been renovated for 20 years or so, but the staff was amazing. Finally someone understood what I was talking about. Also, the patients were very nice and I made a lot of friends with whom I stay in touch. They helped me a lot to realize that my life has a value and I shouldn’t take it away for a guy who couldn’t even make himself call me when I was there. And the only bad thing that happened to me was that someone stole my slippers! Damn, I had had a dream (it wasn’t a dream, I am sure of it!) about old deaf lady in our room before it happened and when I woke up my slippers were missing! I was so in combat mode that I went to look for them! But perhaps they had had a flight by the window before I started my searching, ha!
I stayed for 14 days, 4 days longer than I was supposed to because I wanted to stay with people there, I felt really comfortable being able to walk out of my room and to meet persons who don’t want to hurt me, as I consider whole world beyond the walls of psych ward as a big predator…

moonlitrose34 1/5/2015 - 8:14 pm

Nope it was definitely hearing voices. I remember quite distinctly. There were exactly two, a guy and a girl. The guy was the one that freaked me out, because he kept telling me I had no control of myself, that I’d give in (but as the meds wore off, he grew nicer? it was weird). The lady always tried to stop him from bothering me. They both had names (I can’t remember the girls, but the guys name was James), and I could picture them visually as to what they looked like as well. And they subsequently went away when I stopped the medicine. And this was literally in a week of taking Celexa at like 5 mg then 10.

That sounds pretty badass haha. Don’t think I’d wanna mess with you.

Well it’s only occasionally, when I feel suicidal. Well now I like the feeling lamictal gives off, so if I ever want to I’ll take more of that, but that’s rarely. I’m just surprised I’m not screwed up yet because there was a time in high school where I would take a bunch of pain meds because I know they screw you up, and later even with prescription medication. But it’s been years, and my liver and kidneys are fine, thank god for that.

it’s just in my nature though. It’s like ingrained in me. Like forget yourself, others matter. It’s like that’s been hardwired into me. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t really get rid of it. But I will try, so I can take care of myself better.

I don’t think building itself would be horrible. I go to my schools hospital, and it’s renowned for being amazing. Including the staff. And that’s good. This is making me more optimistic about going to a hospital. I think I’d probably want to stay longer just so I don’t have to deal with all the craziness in the world. I guess it can act as a safe place for you to recuperate, no? I’m gonna try and bring up the courage for it. Hopefully it’ll go well.

Thank you <3

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