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by iwasknownonce

First post..the thought/idea of killing myself has become more and more reoccurring. I’m so confused. I don’t understand communication, the useless topics and small conversation that just passes time. Everyone seems so comfortable in their lives, and know what to say or what their doing, I care alot about what I sound like-If i sound stupid, or “cool?” I dont want to be like this, I want to be truthful to myself, and I try too, but how do you stop caring what other people think? And fucking thoughts..what the fuck do you do with thoughts when you do not believe in or know they are not true but your mind just seems to spew them out for the fuck of it, for a reaction from your ownself. idk if that makes sense but..my thoughts kill me and i dont know how to change them or my state of mind..Ive been through a bad break up (6mo long) and I still constantly think about all the shit I said, or ways I didnt communicate and mountains of regret pile up (its been 2 years) in high school I went through a bit of a pill dependency just because friends were doing it and i said fuck it, but then I got attatched because the pills made me come out of my shell, after i dropped out of highschool, i hung out with a bad friend just because I didnt know how to be my own friend and had no idea what to do with myself or my life. I have no friends now and I really enjoy not having any because my view is that if i cant help/contribute love to myself, how the hell can I know how to be a friend to someone else?!
The truth is I want to be independent and help myself…so question: How can you help yourself? How do you talk to yourself? sorry for the rant..just need some help.

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Scar504 2/20/2015 - 10:50 pm

What are you doing right now? Living at home? Working?

_NameLess_ 2/20/2015 - 10:57 pm

My life reflects what you said. My “best friend” throughout high school was a girl who was abusive and influenced me to do bad things. I got really addicted to drugs; they helped me come out of my shell, and later cope with emotional stress that haunted me constantly. After, I ended up in prison for 6 months, it really made me reevaluate my life. I left everyone from my past behind. I don’t find any use in making “friends” anymore. Why bother? What is a real friend? They always end up hurting me. I am so emotionally detached from people, nobody really wants to get to know me anyway. Hmmmm…I’m sorry I can’t answer any of your questions, that’s not something I’ve ever figured out myself.

iwasknownonce 2/20/2015 - 11:30 pm

I feel you, and its not like many people innerstand either. Wow..I cant say much since ive only been to jail and the length was much shorter but even so I haven’t talked in depth about me going to jail, or rehab with anyone, I feel like no one would truly innerstand, all they ask are those small questions, have you talked to anyone about prison? man those were hard times, I keep all of my thoughts and feelings about that month inside because of judgemental and shallow people but I get the whole friend aspect, I left all my old friends as well, Do you think its shitty to want to leave friends behind for ahwile to work on yourself as a person? I keep asking people this and most say always put yourself first, but i cant help but feel guilty.. hmm well I would say spend time with yourself and get to know yourself, when I was young I kept asking (dont believe in god, i guess just talking to myself out loud or higher power who knows) but I wanted to know the truth and I figured out that if i told myself the truth about myself, it was very easy to trust my intuition and find out if people were bullshitting me and were good people/friends or not (looking in their eyes, etc) I hope that helps. haha its okay I just want answers and i know they have to be inside of me somewhere, just gotta figure out how to get there..

iwasknownonce 2/20/2015 - 11:16 pm

Well i have alot of fines and community service to take care of with court so im just trying to finish all of that before i go out for a job, and even then I feel like i wont get hired because im so awkward with people, i try to ignore everyone because i feel like ill be awkward. When i want to be left alone thats when everyone feels like talking to me, am i the only one this happens too?

disposablegrl 2/22/2015 - 10:01 am

How do you help yourself? Wouldn’t we all want to know that… I have no clue my friend, however, i think you’re already doing it. just by asking the question you help yourself. You are on the right path, just don’t get ahead of yourself- transformations, particularly healthy ones, do not occur over night and they probably involve a couple steps back so if you stumble, don’t beat yourself up, just pick yourself up and continue onward-

I think people talk to you when you want to be left alone, because they find you intriguing, your probably lost in your own thoughts, not caring about what is going on around you and so you become more approachable. Your fear of appearing awkward probably sends a nervous energy about you that can be off-putting.

Maybe change the word awkward to unique or different … Be unique! Be different! Its who you are… embrace it! You’re not in high school anymore where you are forced to be around certain people, fitting in is almost a requirement for survival- but its not high school anymore and you can choose who you want to be around- choose wisely… choose people that appreciate your qualities and you’ll start to appreciate them too 🙂

I have a good feeling about you – not sure why, just a sense that you’ll come through

(the people only talking to me when i don’t want them too, yep, happens to me too)

kontinkatink 2/22/2015 - 3:26 pm

You start, like me to doubt yourself when people treat u like shit. When you know inside what you are but either ppl have evil intents or they make the assumption that you can’t do it so they fail you before you get a chance. As for those who did evil shit to me, don’t judge me…look at yourself it was you that did it TO me not the other way around, I didn’t go looking for it. How fucked up to cause shit and then blame me for it. i just end up a soccer ball for people to kick around. I can’t stop them. Tried to appeal but you know when you have abusive hearts appeals are something to laugh at.

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