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I am the champ.

by _NameLess_

Why am I alone? I am overwhelmed with bitter regret and anger. Everybody has some big blotch of the past they want to delete, there’s no such person who has had a perfect, sugar coated life. I selfishly think that I have it so bad, nobody can relate to me. I am wrong. My peers who put on a happy demeanor have their own skeletons; they seem to know how to function without the past disrupting their routine. I don’t know what went on in their lives. I sit there and in my mind I snicker, thinking these people are so young and naive. I don’t think it’s true. I think I’m different because I haven’t figured out any way of coping like them. It’s almost like I need to belittle the rest of them because I am the champion of sulking and nobody shall surpass me…because it’s the one thing I am good at.

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killswitchon 2/21/2015 - 3:24 pm

why do you have so much anger and bitter regret? whats the story?

_NameLess_ 2/21/2015 - 9:00 pm

It’s a long story with a whole series of unfortunate events. These things just keep adding up. I am a magnet for criminals and drug dealers. I always got beat when I was younger, by caregivers, school mates, everyone seemed to want to hurt me. This one time, I was eating a bowl of soup and I threw up, I got beat really bad and forced to eat my throw up. I got smacked around with ceramic plate filled with ketchup. Another time I was threatened that someone was going to kill my dog with an axe unless I lick his anus. It’s fucked up dude. Uhh…I can go on and on. The kids at school would steal my lunch and beat me until my face is bleeding everyday, then my caregivers had me change schools. Not only when I was young actually. I moved back home last year after being away for a few years, someone attacked me at my grandfathers funeral right when I got back. I ran away in the snow and stayed at my girlfriends house. A few weeks ago, I got beat really hard, had my lip ring ripped out of my face. Anyways, when I was around 9, my caregivers forced me to take swim lessons. This guy told them I had “potential” and that he wanted to give me private lessons. “PRIVATE LESSONS” riiiiiight, he did really weird shit to me for months. I didn’t understand and didn’t know how to tell anyone about it. Eventually I let my best friend know after he went into the women’s changing room and stood there watching us. She told her mom and her mom did something about it and got him banned from coming to the community center. I became extra weird and secluded and refused to talk to people for years. In high school, I met my “best friend”, she introduced me to drugs and boys. I fell into the world of narcotics in a flash. All I wanted to do was get high on anything and everything. I was really dependent on drugs for many years, and my illicit adventures placed me around very shady individuals. My friends became all criminals and drug dealers. I left to the military after high school and I thought for once my life did a 180 and things were going really well. In mod school, I became class leader, platoon guide, and graduated with 100%, the highest grade point average in the whole school. I given awards and promotions, it was fantastic! I got to the fleet in Camp Pendleton, CA after. I’m not going to lie, I’m a pretty girl. Anyway, after being there 2 or 3 months, I got invited to a corporal’s EAS party, I was sober, though I did dress kind of slutty, maybe it was my fault. After people left, the corporal who’s party it was, was supposed to drive me back. He was way too drunk, pushed me down on the couch, started ripping my bottoms off, I was struggling and he placed his hands on my throat and squeezed until all a sudden I was overcome with darkness and a very blissful rush in my head. As I regained consciousness, he was forcing his penis inside me and I kicked him off. He stopped. That triggered my drug use again. I was on a binge. I didn’t stop, I didn’t care. That May I went to see my “friend” in Vegas, I really liked this guy and I thought he liked me and cared for me too. I got roofied that first night by one if his friends, next thing I know I’m waking up naked in a hotel room and it’s 1700 the next day. I never thought how frightening it could be to get roofied. I was hurt, I couldn’t sit normally and it hurt to go to the bathroom the whole week after that. A few months later, in July, I think I had a near death experience. I went to a party where I got drugged again and I woke up soaking wet, not in my own clothes, my nipple rings ripped out and so much bruises and lumps all over my body! I got home and just lay there all day. I had a flash of memory where I’m on a bed surrounded by a bunch of dudes. That one itty bitty bit of memory left me so traumatized. I was constantly haunted by that memory, I still am. I told my “best friend” about the incident, she didn’t believe me because it included an individual she knew and I think she liked him. That crushed me. I was high all the time. That really messed up my brain and my military relationships. I got involved with a boy who was selling cocaine, he got caught by NCIS and tried to push the blame over on me. I never sold drugs, but I still got in trouble. I pissed positive on a piss test and along with the “distribution” charge I got 6 months in military prison. He only did 2 months, even though he sold several ounces of coke to an NCIS agent. I think he threw out a lot of names. Anyways, prison was a therapy session for me. There was a girl there who really helped me get over a lot of past demons. Everyone was so nice there to me! It’s weird to say this, I really enjoyed my time there, sometimes I think about how grand it would be to go back for another month to “recharge”. I was kicked out of the military with a bad conduct discharge. Oh well, that was two years ago. I don’t do drugs anymore…for now at least. Though after coming home because father died, mother became neurotic and told me she needs my emotional support. Yet she’s so angry and every conversation we have ends with her yelling at me how everything is my fault, I’m a worthless piece of shit. I’m trying though, I’m trying to get my life together. I threw out everyone in my life, my “friends” are not what friends should be. Anyways, that’s my story I guess of why I’m filled with anger and bitter regret. Not a day goes by where I don’t regret my whole life…What is your story?

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