It is a strange thing to look back upon one’s past and find that all the hopeless despair that one had envisioned for one’s self, to be found true. Worse still, to be it greater.
My first memories were from when I was 7 years old. Ever since then I have regularly wanted to die. Without break or pause, that sentiment has held as true as the flesh on my body (as scared as it may be). I had long since, premonitioned my demise and I can’t help but feel abhorrent at its truth.
I can’t even begin to describe the shear loneliness and despair that has consumed me. It has not been sudden or a build up, rather it is the fact that I have nothing to pin false hopes on an longer. Before, I had the vain hope that finishing school would bring about a better future, after that it was the promise that university would give me the knowledge to overcome myself and lead an independent future.
I have completed both. I have not changed. I gained nothing. That is no understatement. All my years of uni and school, have amounted to naught. I am just as broken as ever but now I can’t put myself in a direction to go. I finished a Btech in IT, majoring in software development. Took me 4 years for that to happen. I wrote my last exam at the end of november 2014. I know nothing. Fucking absurd and it turns my insides at the fact!
I can’t get a job in the field that I wasted 4 years studying. The shame is too great. I have no council, no where to turn to, no help to seek. I can’t keep lying in my room forever, yet I just don’t know what to do. I won’t lie, I’m broken. I can’t stop the knife in my heart from turning and I feel utterly ashamed at my dismal failure of a life.
I feel that I am closer than ever to my suicide. I have no firm resolve it is just the only step that I feel I can take. I’m a coward, a failure and a joke. I feel like I live in a different world, like people around me, no matter how close they seem, are separated by a completely different dimension. I can’t stand this inertion of life, I am unable to live it with either respect or happiness.
Each day if more unbearable than the last