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A dead future

by Lsari

It is a strange thing to look back upon one’s past and find that all the hopeless despair that one had envisioned for one’s self, to be found true. Worse still, to be it greater.

My first memories were from when I was 7 years old. Ever since then I have regularly wanted to die. Without break or pause, that sentiment has held as true as the flesh on my body (as scared as it may be). I had long since, premonitioned my demise and I can’t help but feel abhorrent at its truth.

I can’t even begin to describe the shear loneliness and despair that has consumed me. It has not been sudden or a build up, rather it is the fact that I have nothing to pin false hopes on an longer. Before, I had the vain hope that finishing school would bring about a better future, after that it was the promise that university would give me the knowledge to overcome myself and lead an independent future.

I have completed both. I have not changed. I gained nothing. That is no understatement. All my years of uni and school, have amounted to naught. I am just as broken as ever but now I can’t put myself in a direction to go. I finished a Btech in IT, majoring in software development. Took me 4 years for that to happen. I wrote my last exam at the end of november 2014. I know nothing. Fucking absurd and it turns my insides at the fact!

I can’t get a job in the field that I wasted 4 years studying. The shame is too great. I have no council, no where to turn to, no help to seek. I can’t keep lying in my room forever, yet I just don’t know what to do. I won’t lie, I’m broken. I can’t stop the knife in my heart from turning and I feel utterly ashamed at my dismal failure of a life.

I feel that I am closer than ever to my suicide. I have no firm resolve it is just the only step that I feel I can take. I’m a coward, a failure and a joke. I feel like I live in a different world, like people around me, no matter how close they seem, are separated by a completely different dimension. I can’t stand this inertion of life, I am unable to live it with either respect or happiness.

Each day if more unbearable than the last

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Pretend Girl 2/6/2015 - 7:13 pm

I’m sorry you feel so down. I won’t pretend to know how you move on. Maybe part of your story is discovering how you will survive?

Imagine you come to a fork in the road– your path you are walking… what would be the two choices that you’d see and what would you choose?

Lsari 2/7/2015 - 7:31 am

Choice 1: Suicide
Choice 2: Live and come what ever may

Those choices seem simple and no doubt choice 2 is so much more difficult and complex and would require much more suffering to follow.
How to survive is the ultimate question, for I believe it to be more than just breathing but to include both purpose and will to live. I lack both of those. I do not take Choice 1 lightly and have not the full resolve to choose either option.
I believe my mental state is in dire straights, no doubt a clearer mind might result in different choices. Each day is an unbearable undertaking. The allure of Choice 1 grows stronger with each passing moment. It is like being in an ocean and weighed down with iron chains, had I something to hold onto I may yet float but the fact remains that I would still be lost at sea.

Mf 2/6/2015 - 8:01 pm

Hey, you are not the only one going through that. I studied an IT career (which i guess is similar to the one you studied from the name of it). Took me a while (a couple more years than the 5 years it lasted) because i hated it and put emphasis on other areas of life, but gave it my all on the final 2 years and pulled through. Same as you (and thanks to situations external to me) i got nothing from it and when i finished it i remember thinking that i learned nothing (and several of my class mates thought the same, they got luckier finding good jobs tho). Eventually i gave up to depression (plus other things added to it) and gave up looking.

What i wanted to remark with that is that you shouldn’t feel like a failure. You did your part and finished your career, tried looking for work and overcoming the odds by yourself, but the sad reality on software and technology related careers is that they mostly teach you how to “think” and not much more. Since tech is always changing it ends up being your responsibility to be always studying, and external sourcing makes it harder to get it a job. I also have a suspicion that the “divide and solve” method they teach you seriously fucks up with you mentally, and if you had issues to begin with (i did)… oh boy.

If you can find some help (which i know you said you didn’t, but maybe talking to a therapist might help even if just a bit?) you should. Took me decades to realize that like you say, some things never truly go away. If you carry hell with yourself, it doesn’t matter what you do or where you go, you’ll never leave it behind.

Lsari 2/7/2015 - 7:39 am

Thank you for your words, it comforts me somewhat to know that someone does not think as little of me as I do, as well as to know that I am not alone in strife. Your last sentence in particular resounded quite powerfully.
Therapy is not easily found in my position, I have not the money to pay for it and where I live, it does not exist for free. Perhaps there is a way to ease my despair, perhaps even temper it but I do not know it. Again, thank you for your words.

killswitchon 2/6/2015 - 9:31 pm

fuck, it just hit me that we’re actually considering suicide…like wtf hass this our minds and worlds come to, to make us even consider such a bullshit idea… its wildly chopped and screwed… fuckin nuts…. best of luck in this fight… i recommend you listen to Emarosa “Whats a clock without the batteries?” good one…

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