Funny the Way it is…

Its been a very rough past few months for me. Hell who am I kidding, its been a very rough past 7 years. I just havent been able to catch a break. It’s been one thing after another. When it rains it pours? Yeah it’s been absolutely pouring down on me with no signs of stopping. Still looking for that ever non existent light at the end of this tunnel. Yet everytime I get to the point of no return I somehow am still here to live it all over again the next day. I have wanted to die for quite some time but I guess I havent had the strength to end things. Lately I have been so numb and figured the end was finally thankfully near. Instead though, I had a couple days where I wasnt feeling that urge to leap. I dont know how or why, but it was the first time in a long time that death wasnt hovering over me. That changed quickly though.

I walked into a restaurant by my house last night. A restaurant that I have been to a million times and literally go to 3 or 4 times a week. As I walked in towards my usual booth I saw something out of the corner of my eye and completely froze. It was her. The one woman who I have ever truly been in love with and who I walked away from 8 years ago. Im pretty sure I didnt breathe as I just stared at her sitting there. Its like I was in a daze for what felt like an eternity. I had not seen her in 6 or 7 years, yet she looked the exact same as she did the night I left. She looked up and saw me and waved me over. We talked for a few minutes and exchanged pleasantries and then I made my way to the booth. I felt sick, physically ill, and couldnt eat. I just sat there as all of these memories and thoughts from a past life came flooding in.

Isnt it funny the hold and power some people have over your life even after all this time? We were together for five years and I broke it off. I had been just starting to fight the depression, anxiety and ptsd back then and she had a very big anger issue. I got to where I couldnt handle it anymore and left. Now Id do anything to be back there again. Ive made many many many mistakes in my life, but leaving her and letting her go was one of the biggest. Two years later I suffered my accident and have never been the same. I miss her greatly but I miss the man I was back then just as much.

She is now married and having a succesful life and I am doing the opposite of living, whatever that may be. My depression spiraled right back out of control later that night and is back to firmly holding me in its lifeless grasp. Funny how she is now the familiar voice and squeeze in the night. I dont see myself lasting too much longer. There is no change, no getting better. Maybe seeing her was somehow the motivation I needed. Funny, isnt it?