Sometimes I can’t help but think that depression is such a selfish thing. A logical part in my brain tells me that ‘it’s a chemical imbalance’, but the self-hating part of me tells me I’m a horrible person. I mean, there are starving people out there, people without homes. I have a home (though sometimes I struggle to pay rent) and I don’t usually starve, though I am now. No money to pay bills and pay for food and whatnot. But anyhow, that’s really the extent of my worries. Money and some life decisions I’ve made recently. And I know my poor upbringing doesn’t help my thought process, but still I feel selfish. I feel so alone as I sit in my apartment, just my cats and myself. I don’t want to reach out to anyone, because no one I know seems to understand. And besides, I feel so selfish, what will they think? The judgement is always there. At least, that’s what it feels like. Well, don’t want to turn this into a rant. I wish I could say ‘signing off forever’ but it’s not my time yet. So instead I will say, try to have a productive day, friends.
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2 comments
The definition of selfish says this: having or showing concern only for yourself and not for the needs or feelings of other people. If we go by that, almost all of your life you (and all of us) will be selfish (and we are). You could say that if anything the other people are selfish too because they don’t try to understand the problem you are in, instead they just see through their own eyes and like you say, they mostly judge. Not reaching out in order to avoid judgment is something we all do at some point, so yup… i don’t think you are selfish.
Also, keep in mind that everyone has a different situation to deal with. There are people who have everything they could ever desire in this world and have never faced any hardships (other than internal ones) and they end up ending their lives any way. There’s always going to be people in better or worse situations than you, but if you are suffering or struggling in life it is your pain, and it’s real, and not less valid than other people’s pain. Don’t feel guilty about feeling pain, that only adds up to your baggage. Hope you have a (nice) and productive day too.
I know the feeling about not wanting to reach out to people…….