I don’t have the faith, nor self esteem. But the ability to try, the potential. I can, but i feel mentally weak and doubt myself. What is it that pulls me down every time? maybe its the opposite of what pushes me up every time; you know tao and all that. Perhaps the question is not how to move up but how to keep stable. It’s the attraction in degradation that pulls me down. I need to avoid/prevent that while remaining true with myself.
I need to be above things. i need to distinguish between what is utility and what is me. I have experienced such states when i was into buddhism, so i atleast know what it is like and that it is possible. then too it used to be the same me, without any force or effort… without any lie; but fulfilled. so when i say i want to be fulfilled i mean feeling fulfilled while remaining me. right now i am not me. or maybe i am me but i am not fulfilled. shouldn’t these be not two but one thing? shouldn’t real me already be fulfilled, not via ego but purely fulfilled?
Not to change myself but elevate the state of mind.
I need to remain the same. I can’t change myself. this is the conclusion of last 5 years of my effort. if i want to even begin with some sort of strategy or plan to bring change, this has to remain at the base of it, like the input, the data upon which a strategy is made. you can’t change data.
Not to get into the circle of desire this time. ‘coz really, i have no desire this time. i only have, you can say, repulsion to the fake state i’m in, to the fake condition society has put me into in.
how to change without changing myself. how to change while remaining same. I think it can be achieved when all the world becomes distant. when your existence is not dependent on anything. when you don’t have to compromise. when you don’t feel under anything. when you don’t fear anything. when you are not weak in front of anything.
Why should i be dependent on anything? i depend on no one, so i should be under no one. all the reasons i was thinking hitherto were false. i am not dependent on my studies, i am not dependent on my parents, i am not dependent on people’s suffering or people’s caring. it was all a lie, a cause chain. what i thought were causes were effects. why should i be under them. Buddha said it is ignorance that’s at the root of all suffering. not seeing. being dependent when you shouldn’t be, out of ignorance and not seeing.
How to not be under anything?
My awareness, my energy has to be there. yet not to be owned. but how does owning happen? when the thing becomes larger than what it is. the fear becomes the weakness of mind, and i give in. when it becomes a threat to existence. but i need to understand that it is not. And perhaps for some initial time being i need to focus on things that i don’t fear so much and slowly later on take on the biggies.
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i read somewhere that persistence is the key to fulfillment – my interpretation is that, although one may stumble, or take a few steps back, as long as you don’t give up on whatever your quest may be, you will still have a sense of living a fulfilled life–
if we were comparing this to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs… you are doing pretty well my friend, i’m stuck between meeting basic needs and love and acceptance while you’re already trying for enlightenment – i forget the Buddhist term for that… is it enlightenment?