My therapist says he thinks I am addicted to torturing myself… What does that even mean??? I don’t even know what that is supposed to mean or how it is supposed to make me feel, but it makes me feel like a loser whiny 8!tch. I didn’t initially want to get into my recent flashbacks because I felt so stupid for still having flashbacks 15 years after the $h!t was over. I just want to know if any of you understand what he means? Maybe I am just a stupid fat c*nt anyhow. I feel like such a loser.
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I take it to mean the same thing they preach to you in drug rehab (Speaking purely as a non-licensed expert in he field, though as I always say, my multiple years in rehab have earned me a masters degree in the field…) Anyway, they love to tell you that addicts are addicted to & thrive on chaos, that as addicts we aren’t happy w/normal everyday life & the peace & contentment that others wish they had, we aren’t happy unless there’s drama going on & if there isn’t any, we hafta create it just for something ta do… Sounds like whoever is trying to tell you the same thing… For you your chaos is reliving the past just so your mind has a reason to race & get worked up which then gets you worked up, possibly even upset, which then triggers the fight or flight experience, which then triggers the flood of adrenaline which can also then release a flood of dopamine, serotonin, etc… hell I’ve done it, nothing feels as good as that rush you get when all that happens, for me it comes from sticking a needle in my arm, u get It from reliving the past…
Anyway you sound cute, message me if u wanna talk…
Maybe she meant that pain gives you comfort. You have needed love and compassion and when it is not available you’ve grabbed onto your pain you feel when you are angry with yourself. I feel I do it too. I am sitting here so sad and frustrated and I take it out on myself. Get soooo angry that I counteract it with being mad at myself, because what good does it do to be made at the world and those around you.
You don’t have to feel bad for not knowing what she was saying. She should have discussed this further. Ask her point blank, what she meant.
Thanks for your explanations, I don’t know if I agree with my therapist. I have worked so hard and gone through so much just to feel less than depressed. I had f*ckin ECT, had an electronic device implanted in my body surgically, been through countless hours of therapy both individual and group, been on dozens of medications… Does it never end? Anyways I am going to focus on loving the good moments to prove that pr!ck wrong. His office is supposed to be a safe place from judgement, I guess not.
Also I don’t know how I would message anyone… I am technologically challenged.