Seems I’m not alone at being alone..

Hi all,

I am a bipolar, drug induced psychosis and suicide survivor.

My life was such chaos before diagnosis and I honestly don’t know how i made it out alive. I’ve had a few serious attempts. When I say serious, I mean more spontaneous, not planned, I was caught downing three months of antidepressants, had material rip when I tried to asphyxiate myself and my dogs eyes stopped me from driving us over a cliff. I have also had my cry for help attempts. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live either. I wanted help, so I would tell someone that I was about to overdose on medication. If they made it on time, then great, I’ll be hospitalised and maybe helped, but if they didn’t make it, then so be it, I would die.

My close friend had a moment. I can only imagine his thought process, but he didn’t survive. There was very little warning. He was down, but I think it was a very spontaneous thought. He would of said goodbye or tried to find a way to. He would of left a note. This wasn’t planned or thought out. He left more pain and suffering behind than he could ever know. I don’t think he knew how missed he was going to be or how how his action would affect us all.

Thinking about it stirs up so many emotions. Anger, guilt, grief, depression, loneliness. I am angry that he left me here to deal with life alone. I think of all the good times we had, but that’s soon replaced with sadness and thoughts of hopelessness.

Before you decide to end your life, think of those in it. Your family, friends, even your pets. An animal doesn’t know you will never be coming back. Think of his face every time he’s disappointed because another day goes by and you don’t walk out the back. Think of those in your life that you have impacted on. My friend is gone. I will never see him again. Songs remind me of better days when we were all together. I can’t listen to much anymore. This is a pain only felt by a few. To lose a friend so young. Its hard to think of others during times of desperation and helplessness, I understand that, I’ve been there. My life was filled with misery and pain and he introduced more.

I hope you took the time to read my entire post. I don’t want to bring myself down by explaining my moods and symptoms of my illness or the time it took to finally get the help I needed. I will never be cured from my illness.