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The Only One

by Matt

You were the only one I could really talk to. The only one I could tell when I wasn’t feeling alright. Only you don’t know that, you probably think it’s the opposite, that I don’t want to talk to you.

And now, you tell me you think I don’t even want to get better. Well, I don’t. Not really. I’m not cut out for it.

I would go right now but you’d probably find me.

I’ll do it tomorrow morning, when you’re out.

Don’t think it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do, unconditionally. But this is how it’s meant to be.

I had 2 dreams last night. The first one was set months in the future, and I’d moved on and life seemed normal. Crazy, but normal. And I woke up from it thinking, wow, things could be okay, if I keep working at it.

Then I fell asleep again.

In the second dream, I was sat opposite him, in the house we used to live in. It was that night where we were both too drunk and we forgot who we had to be and just let things happen. Only things didn’t happen. We sat cross legged opposite each other and played that game where you write a celebrities name on a Rizzla paper and stick it to the other persons head, and you both have to guess who you’ve got. But when I reached out to him I could hear him telling me it’s over and asking me to leave just like he did a lifetime ago. And I was smashing things just like I did a lifetime ago.

And then I woke and I knew I could never go back, not even in dreams.


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MattCSidd 2/11/2015 - 12:01 pm

maybe it just means I need a smoke.

Ryder 2/11/2015 - 1:09 pm

Me thinks you’re too attached to this guy. That’s a big problem for people. They make someone their everything, they lose them, and then they realize how dependent they are on someone for happiness. If you truly want to live you’ll find ways to make yourself happy that doesn’t require other people.

disposablegrl 2/11/2015 - 5:30 pm

Whoa… Ryder, clearly you’ve never truly loved-
It isn’t about happiness- who’s happy?
its about sustenance, the ability to breathe, to function and if even just for the moments you are with this other person, to feel whole
Death is a welcomed reprieve when that is taken from you-
impossible to imagine a future, let alone future happiness
thats love! Ok, maybe that’s ‘us crazy’s’ kinda love-
(Not for the weak of heart)

Ryder 2/11/2015 - 9:11 pm

Well I can be somewhat bitter at times. Seriously, sometimes it’s not love but an obsession. :p

disposablegrl 2/11/2015 - 11:49 pm

i didn’t think you sounded bitter, what you said is logical- something my therapist would have and prob did say, but when you are the one living it- drowning in the intensity of it- logic is incomprehensible

i won’t argue with the obsession part either- absolutely it becomes an obsession, but it feels like love, maybe it can be both?

Mf 2/12/2015 - 12:13 am

I agree with disposablegrl (that they can be both), because broken love often goes into obsession, but that doesn’t mean it’s replaced by it. But i also think ryder is right in part (regarding the dreams). At times those dreams are our brains way of outputting the obsession we are trying to cover up. I remember having dreams like the ones the op mentioned (and still do at times) regarding my ex. On one particular night i remember first seeing her future with me (if she never left) and then seeing her future without me. I said in part, because what i saw for her became true, lol. Might be because i suspected it, but i couldn’t have known some details of it.

So even if most times dreams come out of obsession or things you don’t let out, at times it is yourself telling you something. Like in the op’s case, that life can be good again, and that there’s no turning back to the past. I could be wrong about all of this tho, so sorry for the long rambling 😀 haha.

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