I feel so frightened about the way I am now. I’ve started to put somethings into place for an exit. Bought some rope. Started practicing how to do a proper noose. Thinking about logistics. At the same time I am fighting to keep a job that because of the way I am feeling I have started to hate. I am a big woman, but I cry all the time like a baby and I don’t know why. I hate my lack of control. I hate people telling me how lucky I am to have a good job. They tell me that and I feel desperate because I don’t feel lucky. Why don’t I feel lucky. I keep making mistakes on the job. I find it very difficult to be around people for any period of time, especially people I know. My world is getting smaller and smaller. I don’t like it. I am so angry at my lack of control over my emotions. I feel pathetic. Tomorrow I must put my face on and go to work. I am so scared. Work are gunning for me on the sickness front. I take time off sick I don’t get paid. More pressure. Please let this week pass without incident. Please let the poxy meeting they have arranged for me at work to discuss my sickness go ok, and let me not shoot myself in the foot by saying something wrong or inappropriate. Please let me be a professional, and even if I’m not, let me appear like one.
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sounds like my story….about 7 years ago. may i ask if you live in the US? they cant legally discriminate against you if you are ill. mental health, physical health. that said, some states are “no fault”…but the discrimination laws are federal. do you have any family? (i dont). do you work with doctor/provider for depression or stress? (iam not a professional, but it sounds like you have some of both). I was able to find an advocate on that level. plus my internist helped for my medical issues. it isnt easy, especially alone, but it eventually worked out. please try. Another thing…is your company large, national, etc? (mine was) Often times they didnt want the “bad press” of being in the papers for treating employees less than stellar. You may have more options than you realize. Please dont think of yourself in terms of what makes you get down. Try to think in terms of what you do for your employer when you walk in the door until you leave in the evening. so what if you take your break by crying in the bathroom. we all are entitled to a break to use how we want. if you return and do your job…then you are earning your pay and then some. i believe in you. xo
Thank you very much for your post, and sincere apologies for the delay of this reply. Yes I live in the UK. Wishing you all the very best.
I feel same way 15 though I hate school I’m going to not drink or eat today is day 1 I feel good I hate disappointing people to I feel like a failure with my bad grades
you got this.