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A different low…

by perfect2bones

Let me know if you relate, because I’m pretty sure I’m the only one. This is how I feel, and I really contemplated sharing. So here goes:
My life has entirely consisted of me striving to be the best child I could possibly be. I didn’t sneak things. I always listened to my mom. I was the perfect kid. Until I made a friend at my school. She was a good kid, but thought she wasn’t. She fooled herself and got away with anything because her parents just thought it was easier to just let things go. Just letting things go caused her mom to commit suicide. Now my friend is suicidal too. Small wonder! Last year a boy whom I’d had a crush on for a while (but convinced myself through self-harm that he hated me) asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. He made my life so much more fun. I had something to look forward to. Somebody to perform for that thought me perfect. He is depressed as well. I know, I make wonderful friends. I would want to kill myself, but I KNOW it would literally kill him and my friend. And their families need them. Because their families accept them for their failures. Mine doesn’t.
Does anyone else feel like a skeleton of their former person? Like you have the skin of who you once were. Unable to understand how you ever fit this mold of perfection?
I don’t want to really kill myself, but I want to die SO bad! Maybe it would be easier to just leave on my own accord. I just don’t know. If you read my spiel of self-pity, thanks. Thats all I can say. I feel like I’m misusing this site as a way to vent. Hope I’m supposed to…

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DuZo 3/17/2015 - 1:37 am

I can relate to the always trying to be the best child part.
I always tried to listen to my parents and did my best to make them happy but they never really were, with anything i did, so i just gave up on that as time passed.
I made some bad friends too when i was younger, but it didn’t end up that way.
A skeleton of a former person… I don’t even remember how i used to be before, honestly.

Just because they’re feeling bad doesn’t make them bad people. (Referring to how you call them ‘wonderful’ friends)
If you and your boyfriend are both depressed, it might make it easier for you two to talk about it and support each other.
If your family doesn’t like being supportive, maybe he could fill that role insted.
You shouldn’t care much about what your family thinks of you, anyway, just do your best for yourself and what you actually want to achieve.

I don’t think you’re misusing the site. These kind of topics are what this place is here for.

curfde 3/17/2015 - 10:44 pm

Venting is fine. I try to read a lot of these when I have the time, even when I don’t respond. I think its a relief to know you can vent to someone out there listening.

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