I was raised to think that depression and suicide were selfish acts committed in the despair and hollowness of one’s own soul based on their selfish desires. My mom gave me this idea. Strange, seeing how she used to be suicidal.
I have seen the families of suicide victims first hand. They rot away until they are dead themselves. Mere skins of the people they once were. And I feel selfish.
Why do I want to put my family through that? Why do I want to take my own life just because it would benefit me? Went to church today and the preacher was talking about muslims and their lives. Not hating here, but I am SO much better off than they are!
I am addicted to power. When I am holding the blade in my hand, or am doing something where I could so easily destroy myself, I feel powerful. In control. So I cut, so I do dangerous things, so I don’t eat, so I refuse people. All because it puts me “in control.” But am I really in control? No. I am desperate for a way out.
I am selfish and want a better life. So I get depressed. And I feel selfish for being depressed. And then I feel even more depressed. And then I want to die.
But suicide would be so mean. I don’t want to be mean anymore. Ugh. Now I feel selfish and stupid. Sorry if I wasted your time. And if you actually read the whole thing, I really really appreciate it.