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Am I Selfish?

by perfect2bones

I was raised to think that depression and suicide were selfish acts committed in the despair and hollowness of one’s own soul based on their selfish desires. My mom gave me this idea. Strange, seeing how she used to be suicidal.

I have seen the families of suicide victims first hand. They rot away until they are dead themselves. Mere skins of the people they once were. And I feel selfish.
Why do I want to put my family through that? Why do I want to take my own life just because it would benefit me? Went to church today and the preacher was talking about muslims and their lives. Not hating here, but I am SO much better off than they are!
I am addicted to power. When I am holding the blade in my hand, or am doing something where I could so easily destroy myself, I feel powerful. In control. So I cut, so I do dangerous things, so I don’t eat, so I refuse people. All because it puts me “in control.” But am I really in control? No. I am desperate for a way out.
I am selfish and want a better life. So I get depressed. And I feel selfish for being depressed. And then I feel even more depressed. And then I want to die.
But suicide would be so mean. I don’t want to be mean anymore. Ugh. Now I feel selfish and stupid. Sorry if I wasted your time. And if you actually read the whole thing, I really really appreciate it.

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Ryder 3/16/2015 - 11:14 am

Selfish is not caring about anyone but yourself. It’s taking so much and giving back little. It’s being inconsiderate and unappreciative.

It’s also what guilts people into living. I think suicide is you doing what you feel is best for you. You have to love others, but you also have to love yourself. Those who label suicide as selfish need to understand that. I’m going to leave my loved ones a lot of stuff so that they know I care. I don’t have to, but they’ve given me so much I feel obligated to leave something. When people you love or are attached to walk out of your life people naturally get sadder and lonelier. But life goes on.

wndozh8er 3/21/2015 - 11:15 pm

No it’s not selfish. I think it’s very non empathetic to your plight to even suggest that! I’ll tell you what selfish is – wanting to keep you alive against your will no matter how much your suffering just because they want to keep you for there own comfort

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