Okay so I got on my soapbox about loneliness and how shitty the world is. Been doing this for a long time so it feels like home. I received several comments about getting out and so I did. I went to a local coffee shop, grabbed a chai and sat in the corner observing the world. Did this help – well not really because everyone was oblivious to my presence and once again I disappeared into the wall. I made one feable attempt to communicate but I ran out of energy and dropped to the floor. When I got back up it seemed like I was looking at everyone through a window – I could hear mumbling but nothing made sense. I began to feel uncomfortable and started the long gaze into the numbing history of nonconnectiveness. Was it too late – it had always been too late. The barista briefly looked at me and I tried to smile but I wasn’t really there – I was on the other side waiting for my turn. What the hell was I looking for – some universal promise that was never kept. How do you make them listen, they don’t know you. I finished my chai, nodded to the barista and exited. The air outside was heavy, a couple passed and laughed. No more, please no more.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
1 comment
I hear ya. There have been times I’ve tried to go out in public just to connect with the world, but it usually just makes me see how hopelessly disconnected I am. Maybe it works for people who are naturally charismatic and attract people toward them. But I tend to repel people like I have some sort of disease. At least that’s how I feel.
I’ll tell you one thing that might work better. If you go to a movie theater by yourself, it’s a different environment… like everyone is supposed to keep to themselves and be invisible. So you might fit right in. It worked for me once, made me feel really comfortable for a little while. Eh, who knows, it might be just as good to hide in your room and not even bother. Well, it’s good that you gave it a good try anyway.