I should be working on the first part of my huge Payroll Accounting project; I’m working on my will, instead. I should be listening to music and immersed in the challenge of putting the numbers together and getting them to make sense; I’m sitting in silence and thinking about taking a nap so I don’t have to feel for a little bit. I should be be functional, happy, and loved; I’m broken, miserable, and unwanted. Horrible timing, really, it was on figuring out that, for me, love is unconditional. It’s not “I’ll only love you if…”, it’s just “I love you.” Even worse timing to accept that a) I’m almost completely asexual, and b) so traumatized from past events that I wouldn’t trust anyone else but that person to touch me like that. Going out to the bar and having a one-night stand is right out.
And the best part is, my love life doesn’t even rank highest on the list of things that have me just done with it all. Trying not to think about anything else. FTS.
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I can definitely relate, IG. Superficial conditions dictate that we should be “happy”. Good job, good health, good weather… whatever. Sometimes none of that can touch the infinite well of pain inside.
Asexuality is underrated. I remember 1 therapist being obsessed with my sex life, as if somehow that’s the cause/cure for all my troubles. Meh, I’ve been through dry spells and floods and it never made a damn of difference.
I don’t think unconditional love exists among humans. I really don’t. Sometimes you find something close, but eventually you’ll do something to break the “contract” and that’s the end of it. It’s true what they say: if you want unconditional love go find a dog. Anyway, I hope you find the strength to make it through the day. Worry about tomorrow… tomorrow.
Happiness is different for everyone, is the thing. I like to think, for me, happiness is learning new things and getting the skills to get off public assistance and live my own damn life.
It took me a long time to believe there wasn’t anything “wrong” with me because I don’t much care for sex, and then even longer to really separate a life of psych meds from my own inner wants. I’m hanging out at grey-a (asexuality.org was a godsend), if anyone absolutely insists on a label.
I should clarify. I thought about that earlier and didn’t. Things like “I will only love you if you have this job instead of that one” or “I won’t love you even though you are fighting your head as hard as you can” should not be deal-breakers. My ex, the one who has alienated half the people in his life and somehow hid his Rapid Cycle Bipolar from the other half, and his truly amazing talent to pity himself but not change a damn thing, and to emotionally manipulate the fuck out of me? I will never love him again. That love is dead. I refuse to include accepting abuse in the definition of loving someone unconditionally.
Er, sorry. I think I may still be a bit raw… /understatement
I sense that you still have hope for life.
“I should be be functional, happy, and loved; Iām broken, miserable, and unwanted”
Can you fix yourself? YES.
Can you be happy (again)? YES
Would somebody on this big planet want you? YES
“I’m…traumatized from past events.”
Can you recover and move forward? YES.
If you’re motivated and determined you can do almost anything. You don’t need anyone to hold your hand. Believe in yourself.
The biggest thing dragging me down right now is what feels like a complete lack of control over my life. I am 34 years old, maxed on financial aid, and I cannot get a job, because good ‘ol Social Security will trim away my SSI and the health insurance paying for the treatment that helped me become stable enough to be successful in school. I don’t get to plan my own class schedule. That has to be laid out by an academic counselor and submitted to the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation for approval to secure a “training grant” to pay for school. My voice is drowned out more and more, and when I end up shouting, people scold me and tell me to stop letting my illness be in control. I feel as if I might as well stop speaking again.
You need to try to stay positive. It’s your perspective that affects how good or bad your life is. I get that you don’t have a lot of control right now, but in a few years you might. No matter how little, you always have a voice. You’re going through a difficult time, but if you can hold out, you’ll look back and be proud of yourself.
Hello impossible girl,
I could swear this post was me right now! We have much in common. I go to university should be studying but instead I’d rather stalk a suicide sight and then take a nap. I’m 32 years old never been loved or had a relationship only one over the internet but he left me for similar reasons to yours… I love you BUT…. I will only love you WHEN….I don’t care about love with rules and conditions I’m better off alone. I read about a sexuals and well that puts me in a box right there. Learn something new everyday don’t you.
Well just want to say your not alone, I’m just like you š
I’m sorry you are struggling so much. I’m of no help to anyone at all right now. I’m sorry. I hope you find a way though. I really do. I can see you and everyone else around here hurting and I just want to make it stop but I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry…