I’m new here…again

I used to come on to this site kind of frequently a while ago, but I’ve spent the last couple of years without internet and kind of homeless for a large part of it, so I haven’t gotten a good rant out in a long time.  There’s your warning to skip, ’cause here it goes.

I was born premature from a very stressful pregnancy, my mom actually went into labor upon finding out my dad was cheating.  My earliest memories are of my dad getting me drunk as a fucking kid and kicking the shit out of me.  Even worse than him doing it was when he got my older brother to be in on it, so I had a kid bigger than me and a full grown adult kicking the shit out of me.  I grew up in the military, with my douchebag dad deciding I needed “survival training.”  The training consisted of him watching a survival show or hearing about an interrogation technique and then forcing me to go through whatever scenario he saw or heard about.  Despite everything he did, I kept my mouth shut and never told a soul or complained to anyone, to keep my family together.  A few years down the road, I met a man that I still consider to be one of my best friends, he was the closest thing to a father that I had growing up, and then he killed himself and I was completely alone with my family again.  A few more years down the road (moving every two to three years thanks to Uncle Sam), I ended up in California, where the douche met a ***** just as bad as he was and abandoned the rest of my family.  For those of you that don’t know, when military personnel that live on base sign a lease off base, his family gets kicked out without warning.  I was starting my sophomore year of high school and I was homeless.  The rest of my family ended up getting a place about the time I graduated in my junior year of high school when I was sixteen, and it was great.  Three bedrooms, one for my older brother, one for the older of my two younger sisters, and one for my mom and my youngest sister, and I literally got the closet under the stairs because it was big enough to fit a mattress into.  I didn’t say a fucking word, I just signed up with the Air Force to get out as soon as I could.  Ended up not working, my girlfriend broke up with me during basic and I ended up getting kicked out before I finished basic due to my getting diagnosed with “severe depression, severe PTSD, and severe panic attacks.”  The panic attacks were so intense that they’re legally considered seizures.  So, I headed back to California, seventeen and without any idea of what to do next, to have my mom take me back in very briefly then kick me out.  I was homeless for a couple months, then turned to work that was less than legal just to rent a room from some druggy pieces of shit.  I reconnected with an old friend during that time and we started dating, but she decided that cheating on me would be a great idea.  While I was in a dark place, her sister (who apparently had a thing for me) went in for the rebound, something I’ll never forgive myself for falling for.  Anyway, she got bored after a couple weeks of our thing and went back to her ex, so that was fun.   Eventually I got sick of living with my roommates and left, my brother had promised me a job working with a friend of his that was a dealer, I may have had to work with them but at least I wouldn’t have to live with any junkies.  Turns out the job was a lie, so I just ended up blowing the little money I had paying rent for a room at my brother’s place before he kicked me out (no reason to it, I was the only one paying rent on time, he’s just a dick).  I was homeless a bit more before I finally got hired at a legitimate job (I only got it because a friend’s mom was doing the hiring), I managed to hold the job the better half of a year before a work injury took out my knee.  I’ve spent the last year in a drawn out battle with workers’ comp, just to get a letter in the mail saying they dropped my claim.  The VA benefits I got from my dad retiring in the military are keeping me from being homeless this semester, but I have no idea what I’m gonna do this summer.  I’m twenty one years old and the only good thing that came of me surviving this long is that now it’s legal for me to be an alcoholic.  I can’t make it a full day without a few drinks, and even that’s hard.

And here’s the really pathetic part; I can’t eat without getting sick, I’m lucky if I can get four hours of sleep a night with sleeping pills and/or whatever cheap whiskey Safeway has on sale, when I do sleep, I either have nightmares where I relive every terrible moment from my life or I just watch the few people I care about die.  It takes every bit of strength I have not to break down and cry.  I have a way out, I’ve got an awesome hunting crossbow, it may leave a bigger mess than a kinder person might leave, but it’s got enough force to rip through my skull.  The worst part of me having an out though, is that the only reason I can’t take it is my youngest sister (she’s twelve).  The rest of my family sucks, the thing that scares me about leaving is that I don’t trust the rest of my family to be there for her.

There you have it, it’s a bit more informative than a rant should be, but now you guys know everything about me there is to know.  Now if you guys will excuse me, I’m going to self medicate until I pass out.