In Vermont

With my besties. So proud of my friend who’s graduating from college.

But I feel like I don’t belong here. like I shouldn’t be here. Like I’m not really a bestie, like I’m just here because of some nuanced sense of whats right or honor.

My friends said that I was not polite, mostly related to lude jokes and statements about moms being sexual beings. I guess I relate to my mom differently. I wish she would go out and have a life and love and fuck for god’s sake. She’s not dead. She’s a human. I don’t want to treat her as if she is this fragile human. That is not my style. I accommodate when I notice the need or when asked to. My mom is the same age as theirs and also has health issues but i just relate to her differently.

I generally consider myself as polite but I guess if polite means not making lude jokes then I am not. but I’m not gonna sit and twiddle my thumbs. That’s boring. I want the raw understanding of who people are. I want to get into the deepness of people’s characters and know them intimately but I guess that’s rude.

They also made a joke because I mentioned a geeky sci-fi reference, they said “if this were a date it’d be a bad one.” Why is it only rude when I’m not super excited about things that they enjoy but not rude when they say things like that about what I like? This does not seem fair.

I was already sad and afraid to drag this trip down. I need to put on my fake face and smile.