Its odd really, I feel so numb to almost everything half the time and the other half I feel things so deeply I burts out in tears, and I try to cure both with a drink, I don’t understand, I get the numbness and all I want is to feel again and feel the world and once my feeling return I want to shut it off and not feel a thing from all the sadness and pain.
~SN
4 comments
sweetnothing26 ,
I like your post although it’s sad and true 🙁 I do that everyday, but in between the two worlds for a short period of time I feel fine!!!! I’m drinking vodka now! talking to you! just keep busy when not drinking.
Hi SN,
I completely understand where you are coming from. There’s a quote your post reminds me of from the movie American Beauty that is one of my favorites and I think about it a lot. It goes like this (narrating at end of the movie right after he was shot in the head):
“I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time… For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars… And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined our street… Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper… And the first time I saw my cousin Tony’s brand new Firebird… And Janie… And Janie… And… Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.”
I guess it gives me comfort to think that no matter how much *stuff* we feel, be it pain or joy, it can definitely feel overwhelming (as both have felt for me). But we have to remind ourselves that it’s okay to feel pain, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, and really the point of life is simply just to live… relax and soak it in.
Everyday. Good Luck.
I’m the same. By day I have my robot face, and mostly at night I fall to pieces. I don’t have a way of dealing with it, though. I just cry it out until I stop wanting to kill myself and fall asleep from exhaustion.