So yesterday morning I was all ready to go. No fucking around this time. No last messages. No dramatic and theatrical end to my life.
I put the belt around my neck and suspended myself. It hurt, I won’t lie to you. The feeling of blood backing up in your head. Vision went blurry and the music I’d put on sounded all tinny and metallic. My limbs went heavy but I could still move them.
Then I heard it…
The front door opening.
We’re finally having our door fixed because it was broken into a while ago.
It was the contractor coming to finish the job. He knew I was in the house, he’d come to speak with me if I didn’t answer. He’s a nice guy. Just cosmically inconsiderate. I tried to whip the belt off but I’d tied the knot tight, I could hear him checking around downstairs, I was getting progressively weaker because of the positioning I couldn’t stand back up to my full height, so I was still suspended by the belt a bit. I eventually managed to loosen the knot enough to get it off and I ran to the top of the stairs just as he was about to come up.
A few words, he smiled and went off to work. He spent the next half an hour measuring things and then just left. Never came back.
I considered going back to finish the job but clearly today wasn’t the day.
There’d be another day. Soon.
Found it hard to explain why I’ve burst a hell of a lot of blood vessels in my face and eyes…
5 comments
That is insane… Like seriously insane. I’m not going to get all cosmic and say it was a sign. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. I’ll just say if you do have a guardian angel out there, she’s workin some major overtime!! For what it’s worth I’m glad you’re still with us bud.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I too have planned carefully, got everything set up and started the procedure only to find I needed duct tape and my roll was pretty much empty. I was unwilling to drive under the influence for more. Crazy that ending your life is an option, but potentially getting arrested is unacceptable. Anyway, in a twisted way your post made me feel a little less alone. Someone else out there can discuss “it” in a matter of fact fashion. Sometimes I need to just talk about the facts without getting emotional. I don’t know, but maybe you do too. Thank you for that. Try and hold on…
fuck man. glad you’re still here
Woaah fucking hell are your eyes like mad red?
Darn! And If you did that yesterday you wouldn’t be suffering today! That’s what I tell myself when I can’t do it. When my wife left me and I was at a hotel i was gonna strangle myself with a belt but chickened out even though I was drinking. Ill find a way at some point!