Still here. Unfortunately. I can’t even find the bravery kill myself and make the world better for everyone around me (and for me).
My cousin hanged himself in 1993, out in Colorado. My other cousin was an alcoholic and flipped his truck in 1997 and offed himself that way. Not on purpose, I think, but how many happy alcoholics do you know? And here sits the other genetic freak of the family, the other poor sucker unfortunate enough to feel. I was 12 when the first one went, 16 when the second one did. They were both in their 20s. And now I’m newly 34, outlived them both. If there is a higher power, It’s a really fucking sadistic one.
Two of the three different ones are gone. When do I get my peace?
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Don’t be too hard on yourself. It isn’t easy at all. Some people are just bolder, get ‘luckier” and/or have different mindset or circumstances. Also, there’s no rules when it comes to suffering. No one person is alike really. We share similarities, but, everyone lives on their own time-frame. I hope you can find some comfort somehow, as do I for myself also.
I don’t have the bravery to kill myself either. Half of me kinda wishes that I had done it, but the other half doesn’t. I guess this was my downfall, but now I am in a deeper predicament after my attempt than before. When you screw around with something called suicide, make sure you are in it for real (which I don’t think many people truly have that strength), otherwise just skip yourself pain and just get some help. No one will judge you if you just say “I have suicidal thoughts, but not in crisis.” But if you get caught trying or say you are in crisis, everything changes and you do get judged.
As for getting your peace, I wish I had that answer. Some people say try exercising or pick up a new hobby, but I’m not a real source of info on that matter….
I’m sorry you are struggling so much, but I am relieved you are okay.
And don’t think of yourself as a coward. Sometimes it takes so much strength NOT to give in when all we see is more suffering on the horizon. Sometimes it takes so much courage just take another step even though you are unsure of your footing.
I know it can be hard. when you have whatever means to do it and you just can’t, it makes you feel so weak, but I want you to know that you aren’t weak. You are strong. You are strong and you are alive. And I’m thankful that all of us on SP have the privilege of knowing you a little longer.
Please take care.
I have felt this way as well. However, those feelings have passed so dont jump to the conclusion yourself that just because you havent found something worth living for, that you never will.
I want to share three things with you that you may or may not find useful in your search for courage and answers. This is not an attempt to guilt trip you out of killing yourself, these are my personal experiences.
1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MajfZIyHP8U This is a Yale lecture on suicide and i dont know if it will mean anything to you, but during hard times it has meant something to me. If you watch the entire series, maybe you will find that the worst part is over. Trust me when i say that the lecture is very unbiased and rational, not preachy.
2. My sister killed herself on this day exactly one year ago. I can tell you from experience that the pain and guilt from losing someone you love is everlasting and profound in ways that I could honestly never explain even if I wanted to. If you have anybody that you love or who loves you, on their behalf I would ask you to give it time. Sometimes these feeling go away on their own or with intervention, and not “trucking” through it, if you will, is sourly disappointing for the people who will miss you because their lives will never be as full. If not for yourself, do it for them. At least for a while.
3. Maybe this doesn’t apply to you but I feel like it is very often overlooked that our brains have a certain chemistry that can be thrown off. Psychology is sometimes thought of as a pseudoscience but our hormones, the neurotransmitters in our brains, our releases of dopamine, serotonin, etc.. are very real and measurable. It is entirely possible that your brain chemistry will not allow you to release the chemicals that it was meant to. This can be addressed with a doctor and doesnt necessarily have to involve any kind of mental therapy.
HOWEVER, that being said, be very very suspicious of pharmaceuticals such as Prozac and other antidepressants as they can have the reverse effect and make things worse. Never take something just because a doctor prescribed it.
That concludes my speech, but again, it comes from a place of honesty and personal experience, not judgement.
One last tip: Certain psychedelics, such as mushrooms/LSD/DMT can have spiritual and enlightening effects. These are often used in medicinal settings, not just illegally. Look into it, do your research. When taking them in a relaxed state of mind, they have been known to provide a sense of relief and understanding about death to terminally ill patients.