Here I am- again. Oh woe.
…. You know, it isn’t even that I really want to die anymore, or that I don’t want to be here, or that I’m thoroughly sick of it all yet again. It isn’t that I’m done with life or trapped in despair or mired in the worry I like to pull from molehills; it isn’t anything, really.
I’m…. just kind of tired. At this point, after everything, it isn’t that living doesn’t seem at least a little worth it. It doesn’t seem impossible, hopeless, or crushing, it seems doable and enjoyable and maybe something that I could manage to be happy about in the near future.
But honestly, I don’t really want that; I don’t want happy, I don’t want successful, I don’t want hopeful.
I want quiet. Absolute, complete, constant quiet.
shush.
That’s all.
All I want is to bow out, now that I’ve dragged myself from the depths of the pit, now that things have gotten quieter. It’s all actually pretty okay. Not great, not even good, but okay- pretty okay.
I’m reasonably… content, satisfied, however you want to put it.
There’s no longer anything doing its damnedest to convince me to jump ship.
It’s very simply that, somehow, for some reason, I want to anyway.
I’m happy enough. I could stay happy enough.
But after everything, all of it, everything I’ve ever and never mentioned, somehow….
It’s like going through months of physical therapy only to suffer a freak accident and needing to have the limb amputated anyway.
It’s like being locked away, trapped and suffocating, almost having escaped, only to be drug out again and shot.
Getting there, getting there, almost almost almost…. just kidding.
And I’m tired of being on this roller coaster.
There will always be those moments of fantastic, unbelievable good and wonder.
There will always be those moments of horrible, debilitating pain and hopelessness.
Life’s full of surprises, good and bad. It’s great.
But I’m too tired for this. I’ve had enough of highs and lows and brief in-betweens; I’m worn down to my core and any little bump in the road, whether it sends me soaring or sprawling, is completely exhausting.
I’m sort of kind of done.
I won. I made things better, I did everything I wanted to, things are okay, I have a spectacular idea of what I want to do with the rest of my life and the means of accomplishing it.
But you know, what I really, really want is to go to sleep and never wake up.
What I really want is to get hit by a car on one of those hours-long rambles in the streets I’ve taken to setting out on.
What I really want is a shotgun and some shells and a place no one would ever in a million years think to look.
What I really want, now that I’ve done everything I needed to, now that I’m relatively stable, now that there’s hope and joy aplenty, is to crawl off and die like I’ve been aching to for god knows how long.
I’ve been running on willpower and desperation for 7 years now, and the circumstances that allowed that have crawled under the rug and been swallowed by the elephant in the room.
I really have no reason to be here anymore- I never actually wanted to be, even when I was a very young, very silly child; all I wanted, then and now, was to be allowed to be swallowed by the air whose space I never asked to take up, to enjoy eternal silence, eternal emptiness, eternal rest.
I’ve done my duty. I’ve lived, and it was exhausting, and I could live more- but why would I?
Spectacular?
Frankly, that’s a bullet in the head, not a future.
3 comments
Hey Masks,
I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, but I want to thank you for sharing. It’s let me know that I’m not alone in how I feel.
I’ve been getting better, even to the point of finally being able to see how I could be a successful person, and yet a part of me just wants to kill myself, to escape, and it’s been hard to find someone who understands. Most people on this site are still trying to find a glimpse of happiness, and my therapist doesn’t understand why I could possibly still want out after finally achieving some of my goals, and honestly, I don’t either, but I do…
So though I have nothing super productive to say, thanks for sharing and letting me know that I’m not the only person who craves to bow out even after things are getting better =)
Hey there Vertrag.
Oh, better apparently isn’t my friend right now anyway- and it is, like you said, good and helpful to know that at least I’m not alone. I’m glad my rant did that much to help someone.
So far as the “why” for this, personally, it feels a little like a “why bother?” in a completely straightforward way.
Yes, things can be overcome/get better/turn out wonderfully.
Death still seems preferable, somehow; peace over “perfection”, silence over laughter, alone and completely… free, I suppose, of everything, good and bad.
That being said, probably, eventually, this particular hiccup can get fed to the elephant too, given enough time, and I hope you manage it. Thanks very much for letting me know that I’m not the only one out there, too.
My thoughts exactly. Well said.