This is probably the first time that I’ve ever posted somewhere about the issues regarding life‚ hey I’m sure everyone has them‚ but I’m atthe verge of contemplating ending it all.
My childhood was kinda great‚ until the point Ialmost got molested by a guy my dad worked for at the age of 10 thankfully I got the idea what he was “doing”. Another instance was where a distant older cousin she did molest me a little but I’m not sure its like a vague memory I’ve trapped which comes back only in bits I was a 11 year old boy then. I am the youngest of my brothers. Everything began when my eldest brother got in a car accident and almost died‚ I’m happy he came back to us. But the way he did has destroyed my family with him being diagnosed as a schizophrenic. After struggling through school and highschool and entering college I lost my way got heavily into drugs and achochol it got worse after the girl I thought loved me left and married another guy right after a week I told her I wanted a future with her. I quit college and just sat in my room smoking weed and drinking all day after that for almost four years. Then I decided to quit the drugs and booze as I realized it was making me paranoid. It was hard but I did. Decided to get fit and healthy and started going back to college. Then after me going back to college my brother who has mental issues was diagnosed with hogkins lympoma‚ another blow to the family. My other brother is a also a lost soul who has been rediculed all his life even by my father and its destroyed him as well so everything kind of falls on me in the house. My mother is praying and God fearing woman where my father is not‚ recently I discovered that my father also has some mental issues where from time to time he accuses my mother of adultery whereas she never leaves the house or is constantly with one of my brothers and she’s 60 years old. Where’s the logic in that? The other day I snapped and was on the verge of beating the shit out of my father but my brother stopped me. When I look at her I realize what true pain and sorry is‚ her sons who are losers‚ a husband who accuses her of such things with no logic. Another part which has completely destroyed me is the woman I have loved all my life‚ hell she almost died but didn’t and I’ve helped her a lot in terms of advice and life before her cheating death we made plans together about our future together but after her incident she claims she doesn’t remember what those 2 to 4 years were like‚ I still stuck around her helping her the best I can‚ until the day I told her and realized that she hasn’t been. There for me whenever I needed her‚ I told her that I loved her and she said she didn’t love me the way I did .. And I swear I never would’ve fallen for her if I hadn’t seen the same love in her eyes for me before ‚ it’s a real long story about her but I finally told her that I can’t be friends or whatever this is with you anymore as its killing me. She insists that she needs me but doesn’t really show it. If being around her was killing me being away from her surely has. After all of this I can’t connect or relate to people anymore‚ I can’t connect with a woman anymore and I’m losing my way again thinking that I should kill myself but stop only because of my mom‚ to get her out of the hell we are living in.
Sorry for the long post. I just had to get this out somewhere causeI have no one to talk to anymore.