April 28, 2004 did not turn out to be my Last Day on this Earth, After All!

I have never told a soul in the entire world about this! I wish that I had the time to post this on April 28, which was the 11th anniversary of the day that I thought would be my last day on this Earth as I had an extreme and almost nonstop desire to hang myself, while jerking off for 2 days prior to April 28 and I couldn’t wait until I could die from this, so I would not have to think of the embarrassment of something like this, but I will be at peace! Late in the afternoon on April 28, 2004, I made the decision to end my life that day and I decided that I was going to hang myself in a motel room. As I was on my way there, all kinds of feelings of hatred and rage came to my mind as I was no longer at peace with my decision to go through with such a thing, but I was very upset that things got to the point that this seemed to be the only solution. I decided to stop at Pizza Hut to have 1 last meal before going to the motel to end my life. While I was at Pizza Hut, I saw families and every representation of humanity that I can’t stand as I fucking hate humanity with a passion and I hate this society and I hate people with a passion! I didn’t have feelings of peace, but I had feelings of hatred and rage!

I still decided that I was going to go through with hanging myself in a motel that day so I could be out of this world of stupidity and shit and move into whatever the next life would be in hopes that I would be a lot happier and I will be accepted and understood. When I got to the motel I sat across the street looking at it and I started freaking out and then I realized that when they find me hanged in the nude, the fucking police are going to show up! I couldn’t just realize that if the police find me naked and dead, they wouldn’t be able to fuck me over, but they could if it had turned out to be a botched hanging attempt of autoerotic asphyxia!

The chances of me going through with ending my life that day had already dwindled substantially, but I decided that I was going to waste $40 by checking into that motel in hopes that I would be brave enough to take my life that night, so it would be over with! When I got there, I wasted no time at taking off all of my clothes and I decided to shave my legs because I want to have smooth sexy and smooth and silky legs when I hang myself. Something that is quite common for guys who have been found who are into autoerotic asphyxia, but so few are willing to talk about that! I also hadn’t taken a shower in a few days as it really turns me on thinking that I am going to stink when I hang myself as most other people are going to be turned off at that, but the thought of it really turns me on and I am at peace with that! I started sniffing poppers, which put me in a state of euphoria and I felt so good once again that I was finally going to get to die from this and I couldn’t fucking wait, but that feeling didn’t last very long.

I continued sniffing poppers and the problem with doing that is I built up a tolerance and I lost that intense feeling of euphoria and I then started to freak out knowing that I was going to go through with such a thing. I took a Vicadin in hopes that it would calm be down and be at peace with hanging myself and not only that it would reduce pain. As it turns out, a drug like that actually lowers my desire to go through with hanging myself! The motel was located right next to railroad tracks and I have always liked trains and a lot of trains came by, which calmed me down, which further diminished my desire to go through with such a thing! I could have taken off all my clothes and jumped in front of a train naked and I could have tried jerking off as the train was approaching, but I don’t like the thought of getting sliced up like that! Also, I prefer a much less painful, but I prefer pleasurable way to take the final exit! Also, I want to end my life at a place in which I have privacy, so I will be long dead before I am found! Paul Lynde died and it wasn’t from autoerotic asphyxia, but he was naked when he was found and the only thing that he did was he was sniffing poppers and he had a heart condition and it was the combination of sniffing poppers and having a hearth condition, which is what killed him. That lucky fucking bastard! I wish that I could die while being naked in a state of euphoria while sniffing poppers! Then no one will even know that it’s a suicide and it will look like an accident! Some day, I might get lucky and get my wish and I will be taken to that world in which I will be at peace and I will be loved, understood and accepted! If you have never heard of Paul Lynde, he was a nelley gay guy who died in 1982 while he was naked, while he was sniffing poppers. That lucky fucking bastard! Sure beats dying of cancer, while being in excruciating pain, while having a catheter shoved up your dick!

I made a lot of mistakes and I knew that while I was at the motel that if I had tried to hang myself that night, it would have been unsuccessful and I would have ended up in the psyche ward as I didn’t want to go through that horrible shit! The mistakes that I made were:

1. Taking vicadin. Any drug that calms me down, including alcohol, weakens my desire to go through with hanging myself. I have since discovered that taking lots of caffeine enhances my desire to hang myself while jerking off! I don’t even know why? I want to be able to take as much caffeine as possible without overdosing and I don’t want to overdose because it will make me sick and throw up and I never feel like hanging myself, while I jerk off when I am throwing up! Throwing up makes me feel icky and my penis is always very soft when I throw up because I’m not in the mood! I know someone who once took 16 200 milligrams of caffeine tablets and it caused him to get sick and throw up! Fuck that shit! This person did not take all those caffeine tablets as a suicide attempt, but he did it because he wanted to feel very awake and alert! I just wish that I knew how much caffeine I can take without getting sick?

2. I had so much fucking hatred and rage at the world within what I thought would be the final hours of my life. I discovered that in order to effectively end my life, I need to have an extreme feeling of calm and peace, including being at peace with every horrible thing that has ever happened to me!

3. I picked a motel that did not have a dead bolt lock on the door. If I tried hanging myself and if someone heard kicking, then someone could have gotten into that room immediately!

4. I picked a motel that was next to railroad tracks and hearing trains are soothing for my soul!

Also, I came to the conclusion that on April 28, 2004 was not my time to go, although there are so many times that I wish that it was! I was thinking while I was at that motel and I had some money, I was thinking: Why not get a new computer? That computer that I had with Windows 98 was a real piece of shit and if I just got a new computer? Things then turned manic again and I wanted to survive this, but if what I am going through doesn’t have its similarities to being bipolar then I don’t know what does?

There are many reasons why I am glad that I did NOT take my life on April 28, 2004, but there are also so many times that I wish that I did! If I died on April 28, 2004 I would never have gotten to experience the 2 new computers that I got since then and both of them turned out to be better than that piece of shit computer that had Windows 98 on it! I wouldn’t have gotten to experience the joy of getting a camcorder, so I could make videos of trains along with being able to make other interesting and thought provoking videos! Youtube was not around in 2004, so I would have never gotten to see the interesting videos that they have, such as train videos, but I also enjoy watching youtube videos that have fart, diarrhea and bowel movement humor! If I died on April 28, 2004, I would have never gotten to see the Human Centipede movies, both parts 1 and 2 and I would have never gotten a big screen TV, so I could watch such interesting movies along with other horror and b-movies with graphic violence! If I died on April 28, 2004, I would have never found out that I have Aspergers Syndrome, which answered a lot of questions as I got to find out why so many things in my life were so fucked up and why I feel so awkward when I am around people! Also, when I found out that I have Asperger’s, I got to find out why I’m so interesting!

Early in the morning on April 29, 2004, I decided to jerk off with a very weak desire to go through with hanging myself as I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t time to go through with doing something like that, even though there were so many times that I feel that way. I then too

I am in no way cured from this autoerotic asphyxia suicidal desire! Not in the least bit! There hasn’t been a 2nd trip to a motel, (except for when I travel when I get to do some of the things that makes life worth living), knowing that I won’t check out alive the next time that I go for that reason. I still hate this world and I still hate most people! At times I freak out thinking about how I am going to die from this, while at other times, I just can’t wait until I can die in such an embarrassing, but pleasurable way! As I said at the beginning of this, I had never shared this story with a single person, up until now!k a shower. After paying all that money, I figured that I may as well! I then put my clothes on and I checked out of the motel and I went home.