Can’t let go.

New to this forum. I just want to share my story as honestly as possible. It will be long so I apologize for that. I hope you read on.

It all started about 6 years ago. At that point in my life I had finally carved out an existence that was neither happy nor unhappy overall. I had a good job with very good prospects, as I was a co-owner. I owned a house, a car and had money in the bank. I had a fairly large group of friends. I was OK with my life, even though I was not truly happy.

Then out of the blue, one of my best friends at the time that worked with me part-time, started having money issues and needed more hours. His wife started coming to work with him. His wife and I were already casual friends, but getting to spend more time with her changed things.

After a while it became obvious that we were both attracted to one another. We started flirting and then one thing led to another. We started seeing each other in secret. I felt very guilty about it, but I didn’t want to stop.

We continued on for 3 years until we were finally caught. My business partner was her husband’s brother-in-law. He gave me an unfair ultimatum: either walk away from her or walk away from the businesses (we had 2 by then) with no compensation at all.

That is the first time I attempted to kill myself. I put a gun to my head and tried to pull the trigger. I knew I couldn’t live without her or her kids. But I also didn’t want to lose everything else.

It took me a few days but I decided to go with my heart and choose love. I left everything behind for her. And for the next 2 years I experienced true love and happiness for the first time in my life.

Things weren’t always great, but overall I was truly happy having a family that loved me. I didn’t know it before but that was what was always missing from my life. I wanted to love and be loved.

Then about 5 years into our relationship, both secret and not, things started to change. She became less happy with me. One of the reasons was that I developed type 2 diabetes and it took a toll on me physically and mentally and emotionally.

In early September she said she wanted to leave me. I was devastated. I knew things weren’t great, but my love for her was as strong as ever. I knew I couldn’t live without her. We were only apart for a day or two before I was able to get her back.

In that brief time, though, when I wasn’t sure if she would take me back or not I again thought about killing myself. I just knew that without her life had no meaning or purpose.

Were only back together for 6-7 weeks before she wanted to leave again. The reason why she took me back the first time was that I wrote her an e-mail telling her what changes and improvements I would make in myself to make her happier. After she read it she said she loved me more than ever.

Now less than 2 months later she says she wants to leave me again. I protest and she decides we will take 2 weeks apart to see how she feels. Before the two weeks are up, she says she is sure it is over.

I immediately again think of suicide and even plan on the day I would do it. Thanksgiving Day. But as things would have it, I send her a text the next morning asking to come by after work and say goodbye to the kids.

It turns out that after the break-up call she was having second thoughts too. So she agrees to have me come over that afternoon. It was hard saying goodbye to the kids. I cried a lot and she started crying too.

One thing led to another, and 5 days later she is asking me to be her boyfriend again. I was actually willing to work on things and wait before we got back together. But she was ready right then and there.

Knowing that I was handed a great opportunity, I go out and buy her an engagement ring. I knew I had to finally make this official. I even figured out the right date. On Thanksgiving Day. Yes, the day I was planning on killing myself if she had left me was now gonna be our engagement day.

It went perfectly. I popped the question in front of her favorite family members. Everyone welcomed me to the family. I felt like I was happy again.

It only lasted for a few weeks. Right after new year’s she says she can’t do this anymore. I was shocked. We were engaged now. We had made plans to get a house together and be a family.

I told her she was destroying me all over again. She said she was sorry. After a few days of trying to get her back, she gave me a final no. I knew what I had to do then.

A week went by and I didn’t hear anything at all from her or the kids. I made my preparations and wrote my final letters and instructions. I texted her to give her a last chance to change her mind. She said no once again.

I took a cab to her house and dropped off the things she had at my house. I also left her all my other valuables. I gave a letter for her to the cab driver and instructed him to take it to her work.

I sat on a picnic table in her front yard. I had a picture of us when we were happy. My phone was playing “unbreak my heart” on repeat. I was ready to do it.

Gun pressed to my head I sat there for a while crying my eyes out. I couldn’t do it. When she got the letter she called the cops. They came and took me away.

I was hospitalized for 5 days as they evaluated me. At first I was honest, but I quickly figured out that honesty is not rewarded in a place like that. They are not there to help you, just to make sure they cover their ass.

I got out and didn’t know what to expect. To my surprise she wanted me to contact her. We had a couple of good days talking but it again became bad. She met me at a gas station to give me back some if my things.

I gave her a letter for her and one for each of the kids. I thought I would never hear from her again. I was wrong. Next night I’m over at her house again. Just as friends, but with a tiny chance that it would lead to something more again over time.

I knew that if we had person to person contact, we had a chance to make it work. We saw each 4 times that week. We were intimate three times. It was a great sign. I started to feel less intent on suicide.

And then all of a sudden and with no warning it all went to hell. She stopped seeing me, then calling and texting me. She then went and erased any evidence of my existence from her life the past 5 1/2 years that we were together.

Then came the dreaded I don’t want to ever communicate with you text. Don’t reply back she said. It was on her birthday. My favorite day of the year.

I tried to keep it together. In the last 8-9 months I don’t think I’ve had more than 6-8 good weeks put together. I usually cry a minimum of 2 hours a day, every day. Sometimes I cry more than 5-6 hours a day. There have been days when I cried all day long.

I have been seeing a therapist since I got out of the hospital. Most weeks twice a week. He has tried his best but it doesn’t matter. I just can’t live without her and the kids. No matter how much they have hurt me, I still love them and want to be with them.

And now here is the ultimate betrayal. She finally tells me that she has gone back with her ex-husband. It was the most devastating blow she could ever give me. She has to erase me so he would take her back.

She says her and the kids are happy without me and they don’t ever want to see me or talk to me ever again. She suggests that I move on with my life. What life? I gave up everything for her and now she is taking everything else away too. Nothing is left for me in this world.

The worst part is that she left him for me almost 6 years ago and proceeded to trash him as a father and husband for the entire time we were together. We even got in arguments when I didn’t agree with her harsh criticism of him.

And now she says she loves him and he’s the greatest thing in the world. She says she couldn’t be happier. She says I meant nothing to her. She says if she has to she will get a restraining order against me.

And guess what? I still love her and the kids. My love for them will never change or diminish in any way. They have hurt me and betrayed me in the worst way possible. They have taken away everything I loved. Everything that gave my life meaning.

But I can’t stop loving them. I just can’t. I just have to put an end to my existence the same way they erased me from theirs. Then it will all match.

Before I finish this very long post, I’d like to say one more thing. I hold no ill will in my heart towards her or the kids. As strange as it sounds I forgive them for all the pain and anguish they have caused me. I also wish them safety, health and happiness, even though it will be without me.

I hope they are allowed to think of me once in a while and remember the good times we had together. They gave me love and happiness, even though it didn’t last forever.

I wish I could tell them that I love them one more time, but I know that it won’t happen. So all I can say is goodbye.

Thank you for reading this.