I apologize for my rambling. It probably goes from rambling thought to another.
I don’t remember being happy or a least happy for long. Although, I remember when I fell in love with someone, I was very ecstatic. However as time moved one, this romantic interest I have with a friend I loved dearly proved to be unfruitful. It turns out, it was a pretty much a lie. I watched her flirt with me while she would officially have relationship another guy (a boyfriend). I was like her dirty desire she would talk to on the phone. We would plan non-existent dates and vacations. She’s married now, took her finally marrying to see she had absolutely no interest in me and was just toying me like a cat toys with a ball of yarn. I feel so stupid.
I wrote too, I wanted to be a famous writer. I wanted to entertain readers, the way stories and movies move me… it turns out my writing is shallow. It’s got not heart, no soul, and it is wooden. Well if I can’t write maybe I can pursue a career, well I follow the classes go through the motions and fail out. I don’t party, I don’t drink, etc. I just exists sometimes I watch a little too much tv, or play a little to much video games. But I thought I was actually smart enough to get some big science degree. Well it turns out, I can’t stay awake enough to do this stuff. I can’t stay focused enough to learn what’s needed. All I can do is pretend to be smart with little substance.
My dad would always say my head was stuck in the fantasy. Maybe I belong in a realm where I stir eye-of-newt into a cauldron making magic. It sure as hell doesn’t seem like this one. People have these things called jobs that aren’t fun, at all (lucky few feel fulfilled with the work they do). They worry about sex because it’s what grown ups should worry about, right? Something I’m not interested in, at least not anymore. They want to worry about the future generation, well I was next gen once and turns out I wasn’t all that great, why would the next little “me” be happy. I mean my parents didn’t have the best lives, dad is disappointed with his and mom often fakes it and goes through the motions. My dad often said I wasn’t a good person, and was selfish, and lazy. Well if that’s all people see of me, then I don’t want anything to do with them. I once had my dear old dad tell me once that mother did things because she loved me… and I was taking advantage of them. Well maybe that it, I’m a sociopath, even more reason for not to even exist.
I want to tell everyone I’m sorry, mostly my mother. And I want to disappear, or to just no wake up. I feel people like me should not exist, anywhere. Sometimes I think if there was a magical realm where the laws of physics were different, I still would find a way to screw up in that world and disappoint people I care about, or want to care about.