I apologize now because this will be a long post. Doubt anyone will actually read it but I need to just find somewhere to put my feelings. I see a therapist two times a week. Every night I’m too scared to go to sleep because when I turn off the lights and try, that’s when the thoughts get the worst. “You’re a f***ing piece of shit please kill yourself.” “You’re burdening everyone, you’re gonna do them a favor by doing this to yourself.” Thoughts like that constantly. Those are more of the calm ones. Sometimes i hear almost like a voice screaming at me to kill myself. I have images of slitting my throat to watch myself bleed, laying my head on rail road tracks so that it decapitates my head when a train goes by, standing in front of a train, crashing my car into a tree as fast as i can get it before i hit the jump by my house, stabbing myself and screaming hateful things at myself, blowing my brains out, hanging myself. The images are so gruesome in my mind. I use to cut my stomach. It started off as scratches that didn’t always draw blood, but i would scratch my entire chest and my entire stomach until there was really no where left to keep doing it. My friend eventually told my parents everything and I had to give up that knife to my parents and start seeing the therapist i do now. I cleaned my room recently and found one of my old knives. It’s small but its still quite sharp. I’m backing to cutting and I love it and i missed it so much. I do both my thighs now and I make sure it bleeds. I love the burning sensation so much. It’s the only pain I can control. I wake up tired every morning no matter how much sleep I get. The thoughts are exhausting, the images are too. I plan on giving up soon. My friends that I have told about this all say that I can get through it, but the thing is, I don’t want to get through. I wanna finally hit my boiling point, snap, and finally end this bullshit thing i deal with every day called a life. I was born with pneumonia and i wish all the damn time that i died when i was born with it. I hope this next part doesn’t offend anyone if someone is actually reading this, but i wish that I had cancer so that that would kill me and i didn’t have to do it myself. I’d trade my life for a cancer patient. I hate waking up every morning. I’m pretty sure, on top of depression, suicidal thoughts and tendencies: that i also have anger problems too. I can get angry over the littlest things. Sometimes i can control it. Other times I can’t. Who knows how much longer I have here. I hope I dont have too much longer. If one of my wishes come true I pray that it is this one: I pray that no one ever has to deal with this anymore. No one deserves this. No one deserves to think like this. I swear to God, if i could, whoever thinks like i do, i would take their pain away and bring it all on me. That’s a little bit of my story. Kinda feels good to talk about it.