Why is it that I’m such a failure? I used to think I was smart, and generally good at life. But ever since high school, I can’t help but noticing that compared to everyone else around, I’m not really good at anything. It doesn’t help that everyone expects so much of me. Like, my research partner and adviser. Every time I enter the lab I just feel useless and like an idiot since I can’t do anything right. And then there’s school work. I’m staying up past 1 am every day just to finish it. And it’s just me. My room mate is always asleep way before that time, and I just feel like a failure for disturbing her so much.
I guess a lot of this stems from my parents. Lately after every phone call, I cut myself. I don’t blame them. It’s my fault for f***ing up so much. It’s not their fault I can’t keep my grades up and I can’t keep up with everyone. And they expect me to be this great doctor. They have all of these colleges planned for medical school and they fully expect me to get into them. And I can’t blame them. After all, I’ve been saying that I want to be a doctor since I was a kid. Except, I never really wanted to be a doctor. Let’s face it. Serious decisions scare me. I can’t handle someone’s life in my incompetent hands. All of really wanted to do was write music. Make someone else really feel something. Make their world light up, or complete their stories. I don’t know. But somehow, that dream is just slipping away. Even though I write multiple songs a week, for years, I’m just not cut out to succeed I guess. I want to try, but I don’t even know where to start.
All I know is if I have to be a doctor, I’ll kill myself for sure. If somehow, I actually get into one of these programs, I’ll start walking on the train tracks. My parents are just so sure that being a doctor is the only happiness in life, that if I don’t become one, I’ll be miserable for the rest of my life. What they don’t know is if I do go into the medical field, I’ll die for sure. But even if I don’t go to medical school they’ll cut off all contact with me. And all be penniless and support-less. At this point suicide isn’t too far fetched of an option. Cutting doesn’t seem to do it anymore. I guess I just feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with me in their life. They have their own problems without a failure messing up their lives. God, I just wish I was needed in this world.